Labour Leader ‘Not so much shoots himself in the foot as blows his whole bloody leg off. Again’

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm – apparently unsatisfied by the number of accusations levelled at him of bullying, anti-Semitism, fiscal incompetence, indecision, unelectability and terrible dress sense – has decided to pin another target to his beleaguered, tweedy behind.

‘Yeah,’ he told the Mercury from his Chancellery bunker, ‘it looked like the Tories were beginning to corner the market in shameless cronyism, so I thought we should have a go at the whole ‘bringing the honours system into disrepute’ thing too.’

Mr Hobsbawm, a principled lifelong opponent of an unelected House of Lords, has decided to elevate his closest – possibly his only – ally to the unelected House of Lords. In a totally principled kind of way, natch.

‘Um, the thing is,’ he cringingly obfuscated from behind a filing cabinet, ‘I had to give her something after she hauled my arse out of the fire over that anti-Semitism business. I was going to get her some flowers and a box of Quality Street, but party funds don’t stretch far these days. Also, she’s a feminist so, y’know… bit dodgy, the flowers and that.’

Labour Councillor
A Labour councillor celebrates his leader’s latest stroke of genius yesterday

The recipient of the peerage, Ms Shamey Chatanoogachoo, recently authored Dalston Labour’s wholly independent and objective report into the party’s alleged anti-Semitism, a report paid for by the Dalston Labour Party which was, like, totally independent and objective and came to exactly the conclusion the Dalston Labour Party had hoped for.

Tories in the borough, meanwhile, have nominated Mr Hobsbawm for a peerage in recognition of his services to the Conservative Party. ‘He really is the mind-numbingly stupid gift that keeps on giving,’ chortled one Tory Councillor over his port and Stilton last night.


Police Chief Rebukes Public for Engaging in ‘Wrong Kind of Violence’

During the current spell of warm weather, Dalston’s police chief has appealed to residents to avoid causing ‘the wrong kind of trouble’.

‘Obviously,’ Chief Inspector Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘it’s the summer, it’s nice and hot, everyone’s walking about half naked – it’s all going to kick off at some point.’

‘It’s just that,’ he continued, ‘me and the lads have been a bit disappointed in recent years by the quality of mindless summer violence we’ve had to deal with here in Dalston.’

‘The quantity of thuggish bloodletting has never been a problem, obviously, and we’re grateful for that. No, it’s the quality of the gratuitous brutality we feel let down by. It’s just not summery enough.’

Chief Inspector Slipper’s colleagues in Westminster and Kensington & Chelsea enjoy a summer of predictable, festive violence thanks to the Notting Hill Carnival and good-natured water fights in Hyde Park getting out of hand and leading to multiple well-meant seasonal fatalities. He would like the citizens of Dalston to channel their murderous inclinations in a more season-specific way.

A policeman, not in Dalston yesterday

‘Don’t get me wrong,’ said Inspector Slipper, ‘we appreciate all the bestial carnage the people of Dalston inflict on one another – it keeps us in work, after all. And this summer we’ve been especially thankful for the local Labour party on that front, what with all the internecine vendettas and the back-stabbing, the eye-gouging and the blowing each other up and everything.’

‘But we’d really like to do something more in keeping with the climatic conditions, you know? Like pretending to enjoy goat curry, for example, to a soundtrack of a bass-heavy R&B / Calypso mash-up.’

‘Or letting little black kiddies wear our helmets while we dance arrhythmically with their jolly, fat mums. Before chasing their teenage brothers down an alley and giving them a bloody good hiding. And then falsifying the paperwork to make it look like the Yardies did it.’

‘That’s proper summer policing, that is. That’s why we all joined the force in the first place.’

Then Inspector Slipper got his truncheon out and offered to show us how he humanely and responsibly beat the crap out of the Labour finance spokesman when she was trying to run over her party leader in a JCB. But he’d got that look in his eye like they do in Vietnam films, so we came home instead.


Labour Leader ‘Opposed to Abuse’ Shock

Dalston’s embattled Labour leader, Aneurin Hobsbawm, has made a powerful statement to his council colleagues, in which he made the novel claim that ‘abuse has no place in our party’.

Clearly bewildered by what they were hearing, rebel Labour councillors eventually stopped laughing long enough for one of them to ask Mr Hobsbawm: ‘What the hell are you on about, you desiccated Trotskyite arsehole?’

The Labour party has recently cornered the market in all kinds of abuse, overtaking traditional abuse specialists such as football hooligans, Republican Party Presidential candidates and the Central Abuse Committee of the English Defence League as the world’s leading purveyor of misogyny, anti-Semitism, ageism, sexism, racism and Angela Eagle-ism.

The Labour party fraternally kick one another’s teeth in yesterday

One Labour councillor – who asked not to be named unless his house got burned down again – told the Mercury: ‘It’s a bit rich coming out against abuse this late in the game. If we give up on abuse, what else do we have? Abuse aimed at, and from, our fraternal colleagues is all we know. It’s the only thing keeping the Labour party going, is abuse.’

Polls have shown that Labour trails the Tories by 50 points when members of the public were asked which party they consider most trustworthy on the economy, taxation, foreign policy, education, defence, culture, haircuts, cute puppies and corned beef.

But when asked which party they would most trust to deliver a pulverising tsunami of vile invective, filth, bile and poisonous vituperation, Labour led all other parties by 100 points.

After his statement we attempted to ask the fleeing Mr Hobsbawm a question, but he just yelled something about ‘a kinder, fairer politics, you moronic scumbags,’ before telling a minder to ‘smash their faces in and then troll them mercilessly on Twitter’.

‘And have the rest of these bastards deselected, pronto,’ we think he said.


Labour Leader Saves Job in Pact with Cardboard Cut-Out

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm scored a much needed victory against leadership rivals at yesterday’s meeting of the party’s DEC (Dalston Executive Committee).

Emerging triumphant from the meeting after 16 hours of debate and begging, Mr Hobsbawm addressed the media outside Labour Party HQ.

‘I am on the ballot!’ he said, as though it was something to be proud of, ‘They have agreed to let me stand for my own job, despite everything. This ringing endorsement of my leadership means this a great day for the Dalston Labour party!’

Resplendent in a new vest and looking more pleased with himself than he had any right to, Mr Hobsbawm continued: ‘The party has to come together to present to the Dalston public the options of a different and better way of doing things. And you have to admit, we’ve definitely been doing things a bit bloody differently since I became leader. Not better, obviously, but definitely different.’

Gobsmacked journalists tried to remind to Mr Hobsbawm that no Labour councillors will currently agree to serve in his shadow cabinet, that his shadow finance minister is a life-size cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone, and the trade and industry secretary is a can of Spam with a face drawn on.

shadow lord chancellor
Dalston Shadow Lord Chancellor Sylvester Stallone

But Mr Hobsbawm remained defiant: ‘This is a great day for our party and for democracy! I was elected last year with a very large mandate, and I accept the responsibility that comes with that large, that really, really huge mandate. Yes, every single one of my colleagues considers me a bumbling liability, yet they still can’t get rid of me. This shows that the will of the people – however stupid – has been respected.’

It is understood that, as a result of yesterday’s DEC vote, the Dalston Labour party will now begin legal proceedings against itself, proceedings which will be vigorously contested by the Dalston Labour party, which has vowed to ‘sue our own bollocks off until justice has been served’.

Plans to hold the Tories to account have been put on hold indefinitely, as has any vague notion of winning future elections. Next Wednesday’s ‘Whist Drive for Hezbollah’ will go ahead as scheduled, however.

In breaking news: The cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone has been promoted to shadow Lord Chancellor to see the predicted law suits through the courts. The can of Spam is defecting to the Lib Dems in despair.

Labour Leader Makes Passionate Case for Remain and Almost Sounds Like He Means It

Leader of the Labour group on Dalston Council, Aneurin Hobsbawm, has finally been coaxed from the disabled toilet at TUC headquarters where he was hiding, to give his party’s keynote speech on the benefits of remaining in Europe.

‘It was quite a struggle getting him out of that khazi,’ said Labour councillor Derek Castro, ‘He was going on about being the victim of a bad whelk vindaloo and saying that he’d probably be feeling better by June 24th, and could we please just leave him alone till then.’

‘But most of the Labour group on the council are passionately in favour of remaining in the EU and we didn’t feel our leader had been fully engaged with the campaign so far. The fact that he’d been hiding in a toilet for the last month sort of makes the point.’

A totally unrelated picture of noted Euro-enthusiast Jeremy Corbyn

Cllr Hobsbawm, speaking to a selected audience of trades union heavies and gimlet eyed party apparatchiks, was flanked by his entire cabinet, several of whom appeared to be in close physical contact with him.

He spoke for ninety-three seconds in a wavering voice about jobs and workers’ rights, ending with this inspiring call to arms: ‘So, all-in-all, everything considered, the EU is probably not, y’know, totally the worst thing that could happen. Despite all the stuff I’ve been saying for the last thirty years.’ Then he was led off.

Observers noted that the leader kept his fingers crossed throughout and appeared to mouth the words ‘help me’ as he was handed over to Len McCluskey at the side of the stage. We tried to ask Cllr Hobsbawm some questions but a man from the RMT came over and broke our camera.

Special Report: Occupation of Mayor’s Father Finally Revealed!

After an exhaustive month-long investigation involving thousands of documents and hundreds of hours of taped interviews, the Dalston Mercury can finally reveal the incendiary truth about the secret occupation of London mayor Sadiq Khan’s father.

Why Mr Khan battled to hide his father’s real profession from the world’s press is still a matter of conjecture, but the astonishing results of The Mercury’s investigation will leave voters stunned and will almost certainly lead to calls for last month’s mayoral election to be declared void and re-run.

The truth – the secret the mayor fought so hard to conceal from the London public – is that Sadiq Khan’s father was, in actuality, a bus driver!

sadiq khan3
Sadiq Khan refusing to be photographed on, or near, a bus yesterday

The revelation has shocked even Mr Khan’s most loyal supporters. Mrs Vera Trotsky of the website told the Mercury: ‘I just can’t get my head round it. It’s the sense of betrayal that’s the worst thing. Why didn’t he say something about his dad’s job? Why? He did hundreds of interviews, didn’t he? Why didn’t he ever mention it? Not even once? Why did he never, ever, ever mention that his dad was a bus driver?’

‘I just assumed – I think we all did – that his father was a billionaire financier like the other bloke’s. I’m disgusted. Naturally as soon as I found out I burned my Labour Party membership card and renounced socialism.’

Busdrivergate will pile further pressure on a mayoralty already rocked in recent weeks by Glottalstopgate and U-turngate.

In the second part of the Mercury’s special report tomorrow: Conclusive evidence that, despite everything you may have heard, Sadiq Khan was really brought up on a council estate in somewhere called Tooting. Which is somewhere between here and Croydon, apparently.