In a sweeping and radical five-year plan (or ‘Labour manifesto‘ as it is being referred to in public) Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to bring the Dalston Mercury back into public ownership ‘at the earliest opportunity’.
As with the rest of the party’s manifesto, which was launched yesterday, the cost of re-nationalising the Mercury has been calculated by a crack team of elves and fairies who live in a magical kingdom far, far away. And spend most of the time drunk.
The magic fairies estimate the bill for bringing the Mercury back into public hands as somewhere between ‘nothing at all and £50 billion, give or take, depending on whether we have to buy toner for the photocopier’.
Labour’s most sophisticated financial minds – those belonging to Diane Abbott and a small pot of Marxist geraniums – have checked the elves’ figures and declared them ‘absolutely spot on. Erm… oh, hang on though… is 50 billion more than £7.50? Erm… carry the four, divide by one and… look, stop asking me about numbers you racist bastard.’
In Other Election News:Twinkle-toed Unite union chief Len McCluskey has admitted publicly that he ‘can’t see Labour winning’ the general election.
Other astonishing revelations made yesterday by Mr McCluskey include: he ‘can’t see a set of patio furniture winning next year’s Grand National’ and ‘Len McCluskey’s chances of appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition modelling a daring slashed-thigh aquamarine one-piece are slim at best. Though still better than Labour winning the election’.
The Labour party’s fanatical quest to hurl itself into the black void of electoral oblivion was given a huge boost today by leaders of the Unite union.
‘Yeah,’ said a spokesman for union general secretary Len McCluskey, ‘obviously we’re 100% behind Jeremy Corbyn’s public-spirited attempt to cast his party into the inky dark of perpetual irrelevance and want to help in any way we can.
‘So we took a good hard look at the polls to identify the elements of the Labour party most loathed and mistrusted by the British public. These turn out to be: a) the useless leadership and; b) the Trotskyite nutters of the Momentum group.
‘Naturally, therefore, we have decided to throw our financial weight behind precisely these people in their race toward a bold future of political calamity and principled obscurity.’
Following the union’s anouncement this morning 200 Tory MPs and the editor of The Spectator took out membership of Unite to make absolutely sure Len McCluskey makes good on his funding commitments.
Ukip have offered to bung Momentum a few quid too, if it means they’ll get a move on. Quite a few Labour MPs have chipped in too, just to get the whole miserable business over with.
After two days of dire warnings and calamitous think-tank reports, sources within the shadow cabinet have confirmed today that not even Jeremy Corbyn will be voting Labour at the next election.
Following assurances by Unite union chief Len McCluskey that the Labour leader will be put against a wall and shot ‘unless polls improve pronto, Comrade’, the Fabian Society has also bailed-out on Mr Corbyn by claiming that only an electoral pact with the Monster Raving Loony Party, Ukip and the Khmer Rouge will rescue the party from electoral oblivion.
Scores of ethnically diverse social workers in the London borough of Hackney have also been spotted wearing blue rosettes and Theresa May-inspired leather trousers, another sign, according to Westminster pundits, that Labour may actually poll fewer than zero votes in the 2020 general election if Mr Corbyn remains in office.
It is reported that, in a desperate move to shore-up electoral support, Mr Corbyn and French president François Hollande have agreed to vote for each other in forthcoming elections. They reckon one vote each is better than nothing – two if they bribe Diane Abbott with buns.
As Donald Trump further exercised his natural gift for taste and diplomacy by threatening to beat up 73-year-old Vice President Joe Biden yesterday, Mr Trump’s supporters are laying the blame for his poor showing in the polls on Jeremy Corbyn.
Republican party officials had been banking on Mr Corbyn doing or saying something utterly witless on a daily basis during the presidential campaign in order to detract international press attention from their own candidate’s hourly moronic ventings.
‘Jeez, you Labour guys, c’mon!’ said Trump’s Dalston spokesman Eugene Oregon yesterday, ‘It all started so well!’
‘Spending billions on new nuclear submarines and then not buying any missiles to put in them – that was great. Elevating people to the House of Lords but only if they promised to say nice but transparently untrue things about you – genius! We need more of that kinda stuff.’
According to Mr Oregon, non-nuclear nuclear submarines were worth at least one ‘pussy-grab’ or two ‘fat-shamed beauty queens’ to Mr Trump. Republicans are concerned, though, that Mr Corbyn has not been seen in public for several weeks and are desperate for him to make a major policy statement in order to save Mr Trump’s campaign.
‘Nationalising the sea would be good,’ said Mr Oregon, ‘declaring Joseph Goebbels a proud Zionist and putting him on a banknote; any of that classic Corbynite stuff would do. But we really, really need Jeremy to come good right now. We’re dying here!’
The Mercury understands that Mr Corbyn’s recent spate of competence is due to his being locked in a box at TUC headquarters. Apparently Len McCluskey gives him a sandwich and takes him out for a walk every evening, but only after all the journalists have gone to bed.
Leader of the Labour group on Dalston Council, Aneurin Hobsbawm, has finally been coaxed from the disabled toilet at TUC headquarters where he was hiding, to give his party’s keynote speech on the benefits of remaining in Europe.
‘It was quite a struggle getting him out of that khazi,’ said Labour councillor Derek Castro, ‘He was going on about being the victim of a bad whelk vindaloo and saying that he’d probably be feeling better by June 24th, and could we please just leave him alone till then.’
‘But most of the Labour group on the council are passionately in favour of remaining in the EU and we didn’t feel our leader had been fully engaged with the campaign so far. The fact that he’d been hiding in a toilet for the last month sort of makes the point.’
Cllr Hobsbawm, speaking to a selected audience of trades union heavies and gimlet eyed party apparatchiks, was flanked by his entire cabinet, several of whom appeared to be in close physical contact with him.
He spoke for ninety-three seconds in a wavering voice about jobs and workers’ rights, ending with this inspiring call to arms: ‘So, all-in-all, everything considered, the EU is probably not, y’know, totally the worst thing that could happen. Despite all the stuff I’ve been saying for the last thirty years.’ Then he was led off.
Observers noted that the leader kept his fingers crossed throughout and appeared to mouth the words ‘help me’ as he was handed over to Len McCluskey at the side of the stage. We tried to ask Cllr Hobsbawm some questions but a man from the RMT came over and broke our camera.