Mugwump! – Election News In Brief

Anti-Semitism not playing well in focus groups.

The Lib Dems and the National Union of Students both gave up on anti-Semitism yesterday stating that ‘it is no longer the vote winner we had hoped it would be’.

The Labour party and Ken Livingstone seem determined to give this once popular policy one last shot, however,

Election Word of the Day: Mugwump – the sound a small Japanese child’s spine makes as it is flattened by a blundering, uncoordinated international statesman during a friendly game of touch rugby.

boris plays rugby
Mugwump! From the Latin wumpertis – ‘to smash an innocent child’s face in’

Build. That. Wall! Some. Where. Else! – The News In Brief

US President Donald Trump has been applauded today for agreeing to moderate some of his election campaign pledges in a bid to unite his country.

Now that the rapist-proof fence between the US and Mexico is no longer to be built, Mr Trump has bigly scaled-back some of his other previously announced plans.

According to White House sources the president will no longer put a time frame on ‘making America great again’. He is said to accept the possibility of making America ‘mediocre but still better than France’ by the end of his term in office but is aiming for the more ambitious target of making America ‘pretty cool compared to Nicaragua’ by the end of next year.

Also ‘America First’ has been sidelined for a more realistic ‘China First, America Second, but North Korea Definitely Blown Up’.

IN OTHER NEWS: As the UK general election campaign heats up, commentators are still trying to establish exactly how gay you are allowed to be and still vote Liberal Democrat.

After party leader Tim Farron’s apparent ambivalence on the matter, the Mercury contacted Lib Dem central office to clarify his position.

lib dems
Lib Dem activists campaigning on the streets of Darlington yesterday

Apparently, listening to Kylie Minogue albums is acceptable so long as you are fully dressed, and holding hands is fine. Kissing is borderline but you can get away with it if it’s dark and no-one is looking.

Consensual intercourse is okay but enjoying it is totally unacceptable and probably identifies you as a Tory cabinet minister. Either way you’re going to hell.

We did asked about fisting and dressing up as nuns in saunas, but they put the phone down.


Tim Farron ‘The New Trump’ As Lib Dems Threaten Armageddon

Swaggering brute Tim Farron, testosterone-fuelled leader of the Liberal Democrats, has pledged to destroy Brexit by sheer force of will.

By throwing the full weight of his party’s resources against the government, Mr Farron is set to derail plans to leave the EU unless a second referendum is called.

In a typically bellicose performance on the BBC’s Today programme yesterday he threatened to unleash all eight of his MPs in a blitzkrieg vote against the Tories that would scupper the Prime Minister’s plans to leave Europe and, quite possibly, drag the world into war.

One Conservative MP, who was too afraid to be named, told the Mercury: ‘No-one can hope to resist the pulverising political juggernaut that is seven Liberal Democrat MPs with Tim Farron at their head. No-one! No-one I tell you! No-one! Aaaaaargh!’

Tim Farron – not a bed-wetting, pencil-necked irrelevance. Apparently

Prime Minister Theresa May is expected to announce the cancellation of Brexit this morning and, bowing to the inevitable, will hand over to Mr Farron the keys to Downing Street, the nuclear codes and stewardship over the country for ever and ever; such is the irresistable power of the mighty Lib Dem Übermensch!

We at the Mercury feel confident that we speak for the whole country when we say: Please don’t hurt us Tim! We are your cringing vassals! We will do your bidding!