Trump Campaign – ‘Every Woman On Earth Is A Fat Syphilitic Whore’

The Dalston representative of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage early this morning, repeating Mr Trump’s accusations that ex-Miss Universe Alicia Machado had made a sex tape and that Hilary Clinton helped her become a US citizen.

Earlier in the week the famously svelte Mr Trump was pilloried when it was revealed he had labeled Ms Machado ‘Miss Piggy’ and publicly shamed her for putting on weight when he owned the beauty contest.

Mr Eugene Oregon, Dalston’s most vocal Trump supporter, took to the Twittersphere this morning and, in an apparent bid to out-Trump Trump, took on the entire female sex in an impressive display of solidarity with his leader, guru and alleged one-time lover.

Among his Twitter targets were not just Hilary Clinton but national treasures Helen Mirren (‘huge’), Mary Berry (‘a corpulent obscenity’), Darcey Bussell (‘a blubber mountain on legs’) and Her Majesty the Queen (‘a lard-ass of such grotesque proportions as to be an offence to the eye and the nose’).

Audrey Hepburn – officially less attractive than Donald Trump. And a bit of a slag, probably

He also accused Dame Maggie Smith of featuring in a series of rectally challenging pornographic activities with both Bill Clinton and Jimmy Savile, and that videos of these encounters are being openly advertised for sale on the White House website. Katy Perry was holding the camera and shouting encouragement, apparently. So was Elvis.

We asked Mr Oregon to justify his bizarre claims, but after he had finished firing his six-shooters into the air and shouting ‘Yee-Haw!’, the best we could get out of him was: ‘Wibble. Hatstand,’ and something that might have been ‘Biscuit barrel, lizard-people’, or similar.

Breaking News: In the light of his recent Twitter activities, Mr Oregon is being widely tipped to take over as Mr Trump’s director of communications, being an obvious upgrade on the last guy.



Queen ‘Has been Knobbled’ – Shocking Omissions in Birthday Honours List

News that tangerine-hued Scottish lothario Rod Stewart has been knighted in the Queen’s Birthday Honours has received a predictably catty response from Dalston’s creative community.

‘I suppose he deserves an award for still being able to get into those trousers at his age,’ said Ms Clytemnestra Karenina, 23, of the Dalston People’s Theatre, ‘but a knighthood? A Blue Peter badge would be pushing it. Jesus wept, he sounds like a ******* road grader. Nobody with varicose veins should be rewarded for leaping around like that. Except Dame Maggie Smith who I worked with at Chichester and on tour. She is absolutely marvellous. Ageless. A real pro, and so generous to her co-stars. As Kevin Spacey told me once over lunch at the Ivy…’

rod stewart and emu
Rod Stewart and Emu yesterday

Then she went banging on about Judy Dench at the West Yorkshire Playhouse and how the Bristol Old Vic is literally the country’s greatest institution other than the NHS. By the time she shut up we’d snuck out, but we think the gist of her argument was that her boyfriend, director of the Dalston People’s Theatre, Mr Viktor von Doom, should have got the gong instead of ‘that superannuated crooning vulgarian’.

In other Birthday Honours news: Mr Clarkson Testarossa, developer of Dalston’s first driverless car, is having a right moan about astronaut Tim Peake’s award. ‘He’s not even a proper astronaut, is he?’ said Mr Testarossa from his breaker’s yard, ‘he don’t even have to fly the rocket himself, does he? It’s all automatic these days. My old man used to drive a 38 bus. No bloody sat nav back then. You had to be like Buzz Aldrin to get a Routemaster through Dalston Junction during peak hours. Where was his award, eh? And where’s mine while we’re about it? I’m working at the cutting edge of new technology while that muppet is up there growing space tulips or something. Waste of bloody time. I tell you, Her Majesty is having a laugh. It’s a right liberty. I reckon she’s been knobbled.’