Mugwump! – Election News In Brief

Anti-Semitism not playing well in focus groups.

The Lib Dems and the National Union of Students both gave up on anti-Semitism yesterday stating that ‘it is no longer the vote winner we had hoped it would be’.

The Labour party and Ken Livingstone seem determined to give this once popular policy one last shot, however,

Election Word of the Day: Mugwump – the sound a small Japanese child’s spine makes as it is flattened by a blundering, uncoordinated international statesman during a friendly game of touch rugby.

boris plays rugby
Mugwump! From the Latin wumpertis – ‘to smash an innocent child’s face in’

Dalston Students Face Poverty, Starvation and Exotic Diseases. NUS ‘Too Principled To Help’

Students at the prestigious Dalston University (formerly the East London College of Remedial Learning and Gluing Pasta Shapes to Coloured Paper) have contacted the Mercury to publicise what they say is a lack of practical support offered their local Student Union.

‘I mean, I expected to be treated as a massive inconvenience and a mere cash cow by the university itself,’ said first year drama student Dakota Bong, 19, ‘that’s a given these days.’

‘But when I found myself living in a skip behind Argos with three other girls we hoped the National Union of Students might be able to help.’

Between bouts of cholera, Ms Bong arranged a meeting with local NUS president Malaria Bootcamp. ‘Things couldn’t have got off to a worse start,’ Ms Bong told the Mercury. ‘I hadn’t eaten for three days and I made the mistake of turning up with a bagel I’d stolen from Costcutter.’

‘I hadn’t realised at the time that just eating a bagel made me part of a global Zionist conspiracy dedicated to repressing women of colour and murdering Palestinian babies, but Malaria kindly pointed that out to me and made me throw the bagel away.’

Bagels – plotting the destruction of Palestine, probably

When Ms Bong awakened from her diabetic coma she asked whether the NUS could offer any help with her accommodation problems. ‘Malaria didn’t seem all that sympathetic,’ said Ms Bong.

‘She said that it was very racist of me to be concerned with the welfare of one pampered middle class white woman while the government is targeting minority groups just for wanting to blow things up.’

‘Then she went on about the Eurocentric curriculum being worse than the slave trade and how Germaine Greer wanted to machine-gun transvestites or something.’

‘I said I didn’t know who Germaine Greer was and that I just wondered whether the NUS could lend me a tent or something, at least until my trench foot clears up. But she just said I was a typical member of the entitled bourgeoise Imperialist society that poisons the world with its fascistic transphobic ideology.’

We asked Ms Bootcamp for a comment but were told that she was too busy to discuss the welfare of British students while children were dying in Syria.

Happily Ms Dakota Bong and her friends have been offered temporary accommodation by the Salvation Army. Who are representatives of the murderous global Neocon military-industrial complex, apparently. Even the ones who play tambourines outside Sainsbury’s at Christmas.