Presidential Election Blow: France Still Run By The French

The election last night of Emmanuel Macron to the French presidency ushers in a period of bold economic reform and sweeping social change in which – as is traditional in France – absolutely nothing will happen.

M. Macron’s campaign pledges include a 120,000 reduction in public-sector jobs, a cut in public spending by €60bn, and a lowering of the unemployment rate to below 7%. Obviously none of this will take place.

He also vowed to ease labour laws and give new protections to the self-employed. Even M. Macron himself had a hard time keeping a straight face when he came up with that one.

‘Mais non,’ said one respected onion seller / political pundit this morning, ‘naturellement ‘e ‘ad to promise to do things in order to be elected. But now ‘e ‘as eez feet under ze table we French will do what we always do in times of economic crisis: go on strike and demand longer ‘olidays.

‘M. Macron will respond by hiring 3 million new civil servants, offering mandatory paternity leave even to people who don’t ‘ave children and telling everyone to take September off. It doesn’t really matter who we elect; zis is just ‘ow things work en France, n’est-ce pas?’

‘I surrender: a three-day week and you can all retire at 37’

Late Breaking News: M. Macron is reported to have begun his first day in office by setting fire to a lorry load of sheep on a picket line, making his lover Prime Minister and spending the afternoon eating cheese. The national unemployment rate has leaped to a record 103%. The banlieues are aflame. Nationwide shrugging is reported.

Ho Chi Minh And General Franco Vie For Chairmanship Of BBC

Workers and tourists in London’s W1 area have been warned to beware of falling objects as unprecedented numbers of BBC executives hurl themselves from tall buildings this morning.

Following the controversial interview with France’s far-right leader Marine Le Pen yesterday, sections of the left-wing press have once again claimed the corporation is nothing more than a fascistic fifth column of the kind that Joseph Goebbels could only dream; at the same time the right-wing press continues in its insistence that the BBC is a neo-Trotskyite revolutionary army-in-waiting and we are all utterly doomed.

Cries of ‘We can’t wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-in!’ followed by loud splatting noises have been echoing around Portland Place all day as leaders of this evil Nazi / Stalinist / propagandist machine decide to end it all before their vile plot to usher-in a Maoist hegemony of global bankers is discovered.

Leading members of the junta / politburo expected to be running the country by tea time tomorrow

Meanwhile Russia Today and Channel 4 News have offered to fill any gaps in the BBC’s news output. So that’s a relief.