Inspired by the Daily Mail’s groundbreaking coverage of negotiations between Prime Minister Theresa May and Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon yesterday, the government has decided that the thorny issue of Scottish independence should be decided by a bake-off.
‘Yeah,’ said one Whitehall mandarin too priapic to be named, ‘after the Mail dedicated its front page to perving over pictures of two senior stateswomens’ legs we thought: ‘Phwoar, this is a lot better than referendums and reasoned analysis and that; let’s just get the ladies to scrub up a bit, strap on their aprons and decide the future of the union with a battle of feminine charm and culinary skills.’
It is proposed that, in addition to a classic Mary Berry Victoria sponge and a showstopper challenge, Mrs May and Mrs Sturgeon will compete in a cleaning-behind-the-fridge contest, will be judged on efficient delivery of pipe and slippers to husbands and will be required to laugh at men’s jokes in a manner appropriate to a golf club prize-giving dinner.
The swimsuit and evening wear rounds will only be contested in the case of a dead heat. A crack team of Ukip local councillors are presently drawing up the detailed rules of the competition.
Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre was invited to head the judging panel but said he’d rather watch the whole thing from behind a bush where his dirty raincoat will be less conspicuous.
The Dalston representative of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage early this morning, repeating Mr Trump’s accusations that ex-Miss Universe Alicia Machado had made a sex tape and that Hilary Clinton helped her become a US citizen.
Earlier in the week the famously svelte Mr Trump was pilloried when it was revealed he had labeled Ms Machado ‘Miss Piggy’ and publicly shamed her for putting on weight when he owned the beauty contest.
Mr Eugene Oregon, Dalston’s most vocal Trump supporter, took to the Twittersphere this morning and, in an apparent bid to out-Trump Trump, took on the entire female sex in an impressive display of solidarity with his leader, guru and alleged one-time lover.
Among his Twitter targets were not just Hilary Clinton but national treasures Helen Mirren (‘huge’), Mary Berry (‘a corpulent obscenity’), Darcey Bussell (‘a blubber mountain on legs’) and Her Majesty the Queen (‘a lard-ass of such grotesque proportions as to be an offence to the eye and the nose’).
He also accused Dame Maggie Smith of featuring in a series of rectally challenging pornographic activities with both Bill Clinton and Jimmy Savile, and that videos of these encounters are being openly advertised for sale on the White House website. Katy Perry was holding the camera and shouting encouragement, apparently. So was Elvis.
We asked Mr Oregon to justify his bizarre claims, but after he had finished firing his six-shooters into the air and shouting ‘Yee-Haw!’, the best we could get out of him was: ‘Wibble. Hatstand,’ and something that might have been ‘Biscuit barrel, lizard-people’, or similar.
Breaking News: In the light of his recent Twitter activities, Mr Oregon is being widely tipped to take over as Mr Trump’s director of communications, being an obvious upgrade on the last guy.
Following the sale of BBC TV hit the Great British Bake Off to Channel 4 the Dalston Mercury can confirm that presenter Mary Berry, who has opted to remain loyal to the BBC, will be named Prime Minister later today.
Mrs Berry, 106, appeared on the front of every single national newspaper this morning indicating strongly that her elevation to the highest office in the land is a mere formality.
‘It’s definitely going to be PM for Mary,’ said Dalston University’s Professor of Media and Journalism Studies Dr Frank Hacking, ‘there’s no possible alternate reason for a mature woman in a twin set and pearls to appear on the front page of every single British newspaper unless she’s going to be made Prime Minister.’
‘Or Queen,’ he said, ‘possibly Pope. Dalai Lama at the very least, but definitely nothing less trivial than that. Nothing to do with a cookery programme or anything. That’d just be bloody stupid and prove the world’s gone mad.’
Dr Hacking did confirm, however, that recent press reports have demonstrated beyond any reasonable doubt that Paul Hollywood is now the very quintessence of evil, and that death is too good for him.
The world ended last night when the BBC lost the contract to broadcast The Great British Bake Off, which will now be shown on Channel 4.
All fighting in Syria has ceased as combatants pause to consider the implications of commercial breaks interrupting the scouse platitudes of twinkly-eyed adulterous dough-boy Paul Hollywood. Islamic State are considering throwing-in the towel they’re so upset.
Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton have agreed to postpone campaigning in the US presidential elections for one month in order to let the news sink in. Trump is said to be particularly concerned that the absence of Mel Giedroyc from the BBC may lead to global nuclear conflict or, at the very least, ‘substantially fewer jokes about jugs, which would be just as bad’.
Prime Minister Theresa May is said to be so traumatised by the news that she has locked herself in her Downing Street kitchen and is constructing a gigantic effigy of Mary Berry out of gingerbread which will fall to pieces just before the judging. Women’s hockey teams across the globe have downed sticks in protest at the potential disappearance of saucy sapphic culinary crumpet Sue Perkins from TV screens.
Oddly, though, we at the Dalston Mercury simply do not give a toss.
SO: Is there something wrong with us? Or has everyone else just gone mad? Have your say. (Letters to the usual address.)