NatWest Poisons Democracy And Invades The Crimea

NatWest bank is to close the accounts of Dalston’s council-run broadcaster, DT, formerly known as ‘Dalston Today’.

Editor-in-chief Svetlana Molotovski¬†tweeted: ‘They’ve closed our accounts in Britain. All our accounts. ‘The decision is not subject to review.’ Praise be to freedom of speech!’ It is not reported whether she managed to keep a straight face while typing that last bit.

In an interview with the Mercury Ms Molotovski said: ‘This action of corrupt Western government, please to silence organ of great democratic state of Dalston’, and then went banging on and on in Russian for some reason. We checked with Google Translate and we think what she said was: ‘How the Hell are we going to disseminate our totally balanced, fair and objective anti-American propaganda now? And what about our poisonous invective, eh? What’s going to happen to that?’

A grim-face DT presenter announces news of NatWest’s decision yesterday

Dalston Today is financed entirely by the shadowy politburo of Dalston council and exists principally to air conspiracy theories so utterly deranged that only Donald Trump and George Galloway believe them.

News of NatWest’s action led to an immediate flood of support for DT as three million Moscow-based web bots and Ken Livingstone took to Twitter in outrage.

Dalston, of course, is known throughout the world as a beacon of tolerance and free speech unlike, for example, Russia which is best known for beating-up journalists, poisoning people with Polonium and locking up girls for dancing in churches while wearing balaclavas.