UN: ‘Only Countries Run By Morons Can Have Nukes’

Britain is to be forced to relinquish its nuclear arsenal under a new United Nations initiative aimed at ending the Korean armed stand-off really, really quickly.

‘Yeah,’ said one UN spokesman from beneath his tin helmet today, ‘the policy of letting rational regimes control the planet’s deadliest weapons isn’t really working for us any more.

‘We thought it might be interesting to see what happens when the world’s foremost unhinged loons are given the launch codes.

‘And so far it’s going pretty well: the Russians are clearly barking; North Korea is a weaponised Broadmoor; and the Americans have become so crazed they thought it was a good idea to send Mike Pence into a war zone. He can’t go to the theatre without starting a fight, for God’s sake!’

North Korea. Look! They even walk funny

The UK and China, being comparatively rational at the moment, will be required to hand over their nuclear weapons by tea time on Tuesday.

The jury is still out on the French, whose quasi-religious veneration of cheese is believed by many to be a sign of serious mental illness. The Israelis have agreed to play ball but insist on keeping one really big bomb aimed at the London borough of Brent ‘in case Ken Livingstone kicks off again’.

 

Trump Launches Operation Dessert Storm On North Korea

Speculation is growing on why foreign journalists visiting North Korea are being instructed to gather in Pyongyang for ‘a big and important event’ today.

Recent form suggests it will be something dreary to do with missiles or nuclear bombs, but observers of the secretive state believe today’s event may, instead, be cake-related.

Following President Trump’s fattening but exhaustively publicised attempt to woo Chinese president Xi Jinping with ‘the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen’, Oompa Loompa Korean despot Kim Jong-un may be plotting to entice the Chinese back into his camp with a newly developed totalitarian super cake, now containing 50% less dog.

Plus he might nuke Japan for good measure.

President Kin Jong-un (centre, squatting) and the North Korean military command

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In Other News: Labour is claiming a famous victory today in the battle to prevent the reintroduction of grammar schools to the UK.

‘It’s been a tough fight,’ said one back bencher, ‘but in the end Education Secretary Justine Greening just couldn’t deny the central fact that any school system that produced Jeremy Corbyn is clearly not fit for purpose and may actually be evil.’

Ms Greening, shocked by the revelation that Mr Corbyn is a grammar school graduate, has gone further this morning, pledging to close down all existing grammar schools, bulldoze the buildings and salt the earth on which they once stood.

Some sort of exorcism or cross-faith cleansing ritual may also be performed, just to be on the safe side.

 

Football Association / Labour Party Merger – Latest

NEWS JUST IN: The nation’s two most dysfunctional administrative bodies are to be consolidated into a single organisation in order to halve the number of daily cock-ups perpetrated on the public and to save on newsprint. Six billion trees a year are expected to be spared as a result, although 93% of British journalists will lose their jobs.

According to sources, the Football Association and the Labour Party will be amalgamated next week and re-branded as i-neptitude, a publicly funded body that will be required to win neither general elections nor World Cups but will, instead, be asked to sit quietly in a corner and stop embarrassing the country.

The New Wembley / Labour Party headquarters

Sam Allardyce is tipped to become i-neptitude‘s new shadow chancellor, while Seumas Milne will take over as coach of the England football team. Neither appointment is expected to make the slightest difference either to England’s likelihood of winning an international tournament or Labour’s ability to offer a realistic alternative to current government economic policy.

Wembley Stadium will be sold to IKEA in order to fund the new body and the entire organisation will be run from a Nissen hut on the North York Moors, a long way from any sensible people. At his own request Jeremy Corbyn will either be nationalised or sold to North Korea.