UN: ‘Only Countries Run By Morons Can Have Nukes’

Britain is to be forced to relinquish its nuclear arsenal under a new United Nations initiative aimed at ending the Korean armed stand-off really, really quickly.

‘Yeah,’ said one UN spokesman from beneath his tin helmet today, ‘the policy of letting rational regimes control the planet’s deadliest weapons isn’t really working for us any more.

‘We thought it might be interesting to see what happens when the world’s foremost unhinged loons are given the launch codes.

‘And so far it’s going pretty well: the Russians are clearly barking; North Korea is a weaponised Broadmoor; and the Americans have become so crazed they thought it was a good idea to send Mike Pence into a war zone. He can’t go to the theatre without starting a fight, for God’s sake!’

North Korea
North Korea. Look! They even walk funny

The UK and China, being comparatively rational at the moment, will be required to hand over their nuclear weapons by tea time on Tuesday.

The jury is still out on the French, whose quasi-religious veneration of cheese is believed by many to be a sign of serious mental illness. The Israelis have agreed to play ball but insist on keeping one really big bomb aimed at the London borough of Brent ‘in caseĀ Ken Livingstone kicks off again’.


Donald Trump Has Nuclear Weapons. And Your Address. Yes, THAT Donald Trump

I know, I know…

But look… here’s a lovely kitten…


Just look how soft and fluffy she is. Look at her cute little nose. And she’s sucking her tiny ickle paw…

See? There are still cute kittens in the world. And snowflakes. Everything’s going to be alright. Take a deep breath and keep looking at the kitten.

While we wipe the crap out of our hard drive and burn all back issues.

Oh God…