Dalston Police made over 1600 arrests and more than 2000 people have been hospitalised after impromptu street parties celebrating Jeremy Corbyn’s re-election as Labour leader got out of hand last night.
‘It was like bloody VE day out there,’ Dalston police chief Derek Slipper told the Mercury, ‘like VE day combined with the Notting Hill Carnival, the Last Night of the Proms and the Relief of Mafeking, in my judgement.’
‘You can say what you like about ’em,’ he said, peeling Silly String off his truncheon, ‘but those Tories know how to throw a party.’
Injuries to ecstatic Conservative party members included split sides, near-terminal hyperventilation following several hours of sustained laughter, and bleeding palms resulting from an orgy of high-fiving that began when Mr Corbyn’s re-election was announced yesterday lunchtime and is expected to continue until ‘at least 2025, but probably a lot longer than that’.
According to witnesses, the only noise audible over popping champagne corks and ironic choruses of Things Can Only Get Better was the sound of Labour MPs shooting themselves in the face.
The Dalston Labour party is hosting a day-long street carnival today to mark having survived ‘nearly an entire week’ without a catastrophic public relations disaster.
Local Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm told the Mercury: ‘There’s no denying we’ve been having a pretty rough time since Jeremy took over, what, with our being outed as a rabble of incompetent Europhobicanti-Semites who loath the sight of one another and everything.’
‘But it’s been at least a week since traingate, so we thought it would be nice to have a bit of a party to celebrate. I think we can safely say we’re over the worst now,’ he said, blowing up balloons in an optimistic manner and putting Monster Munch into little bowls.
Mr Hobsbawm was speaking to the Mercury just moments before the party’s leadership rivals Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith made the historic decision to bypass the usual conventions of the democratic ballot and sort out their differences through the unusual medium of nude televised jelly wrestling.
Then John McDonnell offered to sell Trident to Hamas, and Diane Abbott told the Today programme that the Archbishop of Canterbury – being unapologetically white – was literally worse than Hitler in every conceivable way.
(We did help Mr Hobsbawm put the Monster Munch back in the packet but the man in the shop said he wouldn’t give him his money back.)