Labour ‘Trying To Lose The Election On Purpose’ – Jeremy Corbyn

In a dazzling exhibition of blue-sky thinking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has revealed a cunning plan to decimate his own party at June’s general election in order to win the moral argument and confound the Tories or something.

‘Yeah,’ said a Labour spokesman this morning, ‘we were hoping to keep the leader’s plan secret a bit longer, but after yesterday’s performance it became so obvious we were trying to lose the election intentionally we thought we may as well come clean.’

The first phase of Mr Corbyn’s plan centred on persuading his most capable and electable MPs to quit and then sending the party’s intellectual torch bearer, MP Dawn ‘two brains’ Butler, to make a right tit of herself live on the BBC.

‘It’s been a great day,’ said one Labour insider last night, ‘if you want to lose an election, you really couldn’t have started your campaign any better.

labour mp
One Labour MP looks forward to five more years of Jeremy Corbyn yesterday

‘Jeremy’s decision not to let anyone in the party know any of our policies was a stroke of genius. None of us had a clue whether we were going to call for another Brexit referendum until tea time!

‘And sending Dawn Butler on to the airwaves to repeat the phrase ‘rigging the system’ 300 times before libelling a respected and law-abiding high street retailer was a masterstroke!’

Theresa May responded to Labour’s novel plan to remain in opposition forever by instructing her MPs and party activists to ‘go home, put your feet up and let Jeremy do the work. See you on June 9 for brunch. I’m paying.’

Later today, in order to absolutely guarantee electoral oblivion, Mr Corbyn plans to unleash his ‘nuclear option’ when Ken Livingstone and Shami Chakrabarti will appear on Andrew Neil’s Daily Politics show to premier their hilarious take on Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler, featuring new lyrics aimed at cementing once and for all the Führer’s impeccable Zionist credentials.


‘Ken Livingstone To Be Next Chief Rabbi’ – Shami Chakrabarti

After an internal Labour party disciplinary panel courageously decided that former London mayor Ken Livingstone was not to be expelled from the party – because his virulent anti-Semitism is not virulent enough, apparently – we at the Mercury thought it would be fun to guess which other vile bigots the Labour party might decide not to kick out.

We couldn’t think of any Hitler apologists quite as shameless as Ken Livingstone, of course, because there aren’t any. But we thought this bunch might just hold on to their party membership cards, despite everything:

We guessed Pol Pot would be given the benefit of the doubt by a party disciplinary committee because  although the killing fields of Cambodia were undoubtedly an error of judgement – his policy of forcing people to labour on collective farms until they died of exhaustion and disease did get a lot of people out into the fresh air. So he wasn’t all bad. Just like Ken.

It seems likely that a Labour party committee (or, indeed, Shami Chakrabarti) might choose to overlook the more sanguinous habits of Jack the Ripper because, although he did display an unnacceptible tendency toward misogyny now and again, his antics did throw a light on the appalling social depravation and poor housing conditions of the East End of London. For which he deserves our thanks. Much as Ken does.

Labour committee
The Labour party disciplinary committee convenes to pass judgement on Mr Livingstone yesterday

And, while it is true that Joseph Stalin may have inadvertantly murdered and starved to death uncounted millions of his own people, any clear-sighted Labour party committee would surely overlook this given Mr Stalin’s sterling job-creation efforts in the gulag-building industry.

So, quite reasonably, it seems that in the eyes of the Labour party, Ken’s tireless efforts in the field of newt-conservancy trump his oft-repeated claim that Hitler actually meant the Jews no harm and wanted to help them all go and live peacefully in Israel. And who could argue with that? Certainly no-one here at the Dalston Mercury.


Labour Heading For Power – ‘All We Needed Was More Diane Abbott’

Dalston’s Labour Party Leader, Aneurin Hobsbawm has reshuffled his cabinet in a move that has been described as ‘the most futile act in the history of British politics’ by just about everyone.

The cardboard cut-out of Sylvester Stallone that had been acting shadow home secretary has made a sideways move to the foreign office to be replaced by a pot plant, which has been elevated from the back benches as a reward for its loyalty to Mr Hobsbawm.

The stray dog that had been at defence has been moved to business secretary for being insufficiently anti-Trident, although his habit of mounting the legs of visiting dignitaries probably didn’t help either.

A rubber chicken. Or a pot plant. Stray dog? Oh, God, I dunno any more…

The new shadow attorney general is some woman Mr Hobsbawm met on a march who promised she would ‘do or say absolutely anything to get the job. Really, absolutely anything at all even if it’s demonstrably untrue and about anti-Semitism in the Labour party. I mean the lack of anti-Semitism in the Labour party. Er…’.

Breaking News: Some comedian just told us that Mr Hobsbawm has made Diane Abbott shadow home secretary, but even he’s not that stupid. We can confirm, however, that a leg of lamb has been appointed chief whip and a rubber chicken, noted for its pacifism, has taken over the defence brief.

Announcing the changes to his team, Mr Hobsbawm said in a statement: ‘I am delighted to confirm the appointments of four extremely talented inanimate objects to our shadow cabinet.’

‘These appointments mean, for the first time ever, two out of the three traditional ‘great offices of state’ will be shadowed by completely useless items that just happen to agree with me in every way.’

UKIP celebrated news of the reshuffle by punching each other’s lights out.


‘Flying Porcine Nazis Threaten Credibility of Labour Party’ Shock

The Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm  has approved the suspension of a prominent donor over an article he wrote in which Jeremy Corbyn’s leadership bid team were likened to Nazi stormtroopers.

Mr Hobsbawm said the donor was suspended on 7 September because he was alleged to have breached a rule governing the leadership election which bans ‘abuse or garottings of any kind by members or supporters. Or blowing each other up. That’s right out of order’.

Breaking news: Jeremy Corbyn is electable

‘If the Labour party is known for anything,’ Mr Hobsbawm told the Mercury from the bunker in which he is currently besieged by his own councillors, ‘it is for never engaging in abuse of any kind and, in particular, never ever mentioning Adolf Hitler or expressing sentiments that could be interpreted as even remotely anti-Semitic. This I swear on Keith Vaz’s trousers.’

Unusually, at this point in our interview Mr Hobsbawm was knocked unconscious by a flying pig which swooped around the room like a Messerchmitt while belting out a spirited rendition of the Internationale dressed as Shami Chakrabarti.

Or maybe we’ve all just dreamt the last 12 months in the history of the Labour party, I dunno.


Labour Leader ‘Not so much shoots himself in the foot as blows his whole bloody leg off. Again’

Embattled Dalston Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm – apparently unsatisfied by the number of accusations levelled at him of bullying, anti-Semitism, fiscal incompetence, indecision, unelectability and terrible dress sense – has decided to pin another target to his beleaguered, tweedy behind.

‘Yeah,’ he told the Mercury from his Chancellery bunker, ‘it looked like the Tories were beginning to corner the market in shameless cronyism, so I thought we should have a go at the whole ‘bringing the honours system into disrepute’ thing too.’

Mr Hobsbawm, a principled lifelong opponent of an unelected House of Lords, has decided to elevate his closest – possibly his only – ally to the unelected House of Lords. In a totally principled kind of way, natch.

‘Um, the thing is,’ he cringingly obfuscated from behind a filing cabinet, ‘I had to give her something after she hauled my arse out of the fire over that anti-Semitism business. I was going to get her some flowers and a box of Quality Street, but party funds don’t stretch far these days. Also, she’s a feminist so, y’know… bit dodgy, the flowers and that.’

Labour Councillor
A Labour councillor celebrates his leader’s latest stroke of genius yesterday

The recipient of the peerage, Ms Shamey Chatanoogachoo, recently authored Dalston Labour’s wholly independent and objective report into the party’s alleged anti-Semitism, a report paid for by the Dalston Labour Party which was, like, totally independent and objective and came to exactly the conclusion the Dalston Labour Party had hoped for.

Tories in the borough, meanwhile, have nominated Mr Hobsbawm for a peerage in recognition of his services to the Conservative Party. ‘He really is the mind-numbingly stupid gift that keeps on giving,’ chortled one Tory Councillor over his port and Stilton last night.