Unions To Perform Mercy Killing Of Labour Party By Drowning It In Cash

The Labour party’s fanatical quest to hurl itself into the black void of electoral oblivion was given a huge boost today by leaders of the Unite union.

‘Yeah,’ said a spokesman for union general secretary Len McCluskey, ‘obviously we’re 100% behind Jeremy Corbyn’s public-spirited attempt to cast his party into the inky dark of perpetual irrelevance and want to help in any way we can.

‘So we took a good hard look at the polls to identify the elements of the Labour party most loathed and mistrusted by the British public. These turn out to be: a) the useless leadership and; b) the Trotskyite nutters of the Momentum group.

‘Naturally, therefore, we have decided to throw our financial weight behind precisely these people in their race toward a bold future of political calamity and principled obscurity.’

A lemming. NOT a member of the shadow cabinet. Definitely not

Following the union’s anouncement this morning 200 Tory MPs and the editor of The Spectator took out membership of Unite to make absolutely sure Len McCluskey makes good on his funding commitments.

Ukip have offered to bung Momentum a few quid too, if it means they’ll get a move on. Quite a few Labour MPs have chipped in too, just to get the whole miserable business over with.


Saucy Minx Tom Watson Bends Over To Receive A Good, Hard Pay Day

Labour’s deputy leader, Tom Watson, has received half a million pounds in donations from Max Mosley* in less than a year, according to official records.

A vigil was held in Westminster Abbey last night as the entire nation prayed that the money was only a political donation and not, in any way, payment for services that involved Mr Watson dressing up in quasi-military rubber-wear and inflicting erotic bodily harm to Mr Mosely’s gingerly proffered buttocks as they quivered naked in the flickering candlelight of a Stygian Mayfair dungeon.

Not – we repeat NOT – Tom Watson. And definitely not Max Mosley. Or anyone who knows him

We asked a Labour spokesman for comment but he just said ‘My eyes! My beautiful eyes!’ and continued retching into his bucket.

*Max Mosley is now in charge of the nation’s press, so we are writing this from prison to save time.