Labour Celebrates Week of Comparative Competence

The Dalston Labour party is hosting a day-long street carnival today to mark having survived ‘nearly an entire week’ without a catastrophic public relations disaster.

Local Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm told the Mercury: ‘There’s no denying we’ve been having a pretty rough time since Jeremy took over, what, with our being outed as a rabble of incompetent Europhobic anti-Semites who loath the sight of one another and everything.’

‘But it’s been at least a week since traingate, so we thought it would be nice to have a bit of a party to celebrate. I think we can safely say we’re over the worst now,’ he said, blowing up balloons in an optimistic manner and putting Monster Munch into little bowls.

Mr Hobsbawm was speaking to the Mercury just moments before the party’s leadership rivals Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith made the historic decision to bypass the usual conventions of the democratic ballot and sort out their differences through the unusual medium of nude televised jelly wrestling.

Momentum activists prepare for a Labour leadership hustings in Darlington yesterday

Then John McDonnell offered to sell Trident to Hamas, and Diane Abbott told the Today programme that the Archbishop of Canterbury – being unapologetically white – was literally worse than Hitler in every conceivable way.

(We did help Mr Hobsbawm put the Monster Munch back in the packet but the man in the shop said he wouldn’t give him his money back.)