Via Twitter – ‘Barack Obama Is Draft-Dodging, White Supremacist, Serial Bankrupt Pussy-Grabber’

‘It wasn’t me, it was him!’

This, a statement today from US president Donald Trump, communicated through his Dalston spokesman Senator Eugene Oregon.

Mr Oregon, a former conservative radio host and slave trader, no longer speaks directly to the press due to journalistic ridicule, but did agree to communicate with the Mercury via Twitter, which is how serious political discourse is done these days.

In a series of badly spelt, ungrammatical tweets in which you could actually hear the syntax screaming for mercy, Mr Oregon confirmed that the president definitely possesses ‘hard evidence, really great evidence, absolutely no problem with the evidence, believe me’ that Barack Obama (or Vitali Alexandrovich Volkov to use his birth name) is a crook, a liar, a pervert and ‘most bigly, a threat to the security of the American people’.

According to Mr Trump’s authoritative and exhaustively tested evidence Mr Obama – who is bald and orange, by the way – colluded with Soviet president Yuri Gagarin in arranging the assassination of John F Kennedy and, on the same day, forcibly impregnated Dallas star Victoria Principal who subsequently gave birth to Rosa Parks. This despite Mr Obama being a transgendered pro-choice advocate with violent Islamo-feminist views and no penis.

Barack Obama during his glittering Dallas career (pictured with Larry Hagman)

He also has mob links, keeps going bust and has made a career out of screwing people over and wire-tapping them. Plus, his daughter makes horrible shoes no-one wants to buy.

Mr Trump has promised to hand over all evidence supporting these claims to the proper authorities (not the FBI who are all commie bastards, apparently), but not right now because it’s being audited. No, hang on, it fell down the back of the sofa. No, the dog ate it… erm…



Pandas Slain In JK Rowling Eurovision Spat (It Says Here) – The News In Brief

New York City, New York, City, York New, York City, USA: The United Nations has become involved in the hugely grown-up and productive Twitter war between Piers Morgan and JK Rowling this morning.

Mr Morgan – a handsome and universally admired former newspaper editor – has been urged to send his ambassador and a negotiating team to Ms Rowling’s immense Gothic fortress on a hill outside Edinburgh. UN officials hope negotiations and a period of reflection may allow time for the two combatants to ‘grow the f*ck up a bit’.

London, England: Officials of the Bank of England have said they are unrepentant about releasing a new five-pound note containing small quantities of animal fat.

Despite protests from vegetarians, vegans and cows, a bank spokesman told the Mercury that ‘the world’s oldest national bank has no intention of caving to a load of hippies and a handful of barnyard animals’, and that, furthermore, the bank is to go ahead with plans to issue ‘new fifty pence coins made out of compressed kebab meat and a twenty-pound note flayed from the living flesh of blue whales. By pandas. Captive pandas’.

Bank of England pandas undergo brutal anti-whale indoctrination yesterday

Kiev, Ukraine: Organisers of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest quit en masse yesterday when they suddenly realised what they had done.

A total of 21 top-level staff members resigned; 14 made straight for the nearest cliff and jumped off, while the other seven took holy orders in the hope that, through a lifetime of prayer and self-abasement, they may undo some small measure of the great evil they have imposed on mankind.

Music lovers worldwide have signed a petition saying the church thing is ‘not nearly good enough and they should get themselves over that bloody cliff, pronto’.


British Parliament To Be Replaced By Facebook Account

The Palace of Westminster and all the buildings housing the major ministries of state are to be sold off and replaced by a fat moron on Twitter, following recent novel improvements to US democracy.

‘Yeah,’ said a government spokesman this morning, ‘it’s become pretty obvious to everybody that parliamentary debate, the rule of law, collective responsibility of the cabinet, an independent judiciary and all the stuff that has guaranteed the freedom and security of the British people for centuries is terribly old-fashioned and can be replaced by a steaming cretin firing off social media posts from his poorly decorated idiot’s penthouse. Like what happens in America.’

Debate rendered obsolete – ban vaccinations now!

American government has been replaced in recent weeks by president-elect Donald Trump’s Twitter account.

It is generally believed that Donald Trump is sending his own tweets, but it remains a possibility that he has been replaced by a syntactically challenged root vegetable with rudimentary typing skills; it would be hard to tell the difference.

The search is on for someone of Mr Trump’s integrity and intelligence to run Britain via Pinterest, or possibly Grindr.

Sepp Blatter is the current favourite.


‘Too Much Social Media Makes You Miserable’ Claims Rubbished

Claims that too much Facebook browsing at Christmas is likely to make you miserable have been definitively disproved by the Mercury’s own cyberpsychology expert.

‘This University of Copenhagen study suggests excessive use of social media can create feelings of envy,’ says the Mercury’s Dr Bunny Vivacious from her yacht in the Caribbean, ‘but that’s simply not true.’

‘I check my Facebook page fifty times a day and I’m happy as a clam, as this recent photo demonstrates:’

Dr Bunny Vivacious PhD, just this morning

Other members of the Mercury’s staff – all of them currently holidaying in an alpine wonderland (shown below) – have also cast doubt on the report’s findings. ‘It’s simply wonderful to be able to keep up-to-date with the fabulous lifestyles of our gorgeous friends and our glamorous, well-connected family members,’ said one journalist who was too busy drinking cocktails to be named, ‘how would I know which underwear model my brother was dating this week without Facebook?’

Mercury staff enjoy an entirely typical day being ecstatic up a mountain

The editor of the Mercury, Norton Folgate, has spoken out in support of other social media networks too, particularly Twitter which is ‘the most reliable source for objective news reportage on the planet,’ as he told us from a sun kissed terrace overlooking the Serengeti where he is wintering with his six photogenic children and Keira Knightley.

Mercury editor Norton Folgate and current love-interest Keira Knightley having a perfectly unexceptional, fabulous day before jetting off somewhere exotic


Trump Campaign – ‘Every Woman On Earth Is A Fat Syphilitic Whore’

The Dalston representative of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage early this morning, repeating Mr Trump’s accusations that ex-Miss Universe Alicia Machado had made a sex tape and that Hilary Clinton helped her become a US citizen.

Earlier in the week the famously svelte Mr Trump was pilloried when it was revealed he had labeled Ms Machado ‘Miss Piggy’ and publicly shamed her for putting on weight when he owned the beauty contest.

Mr Eugene Oregon, Dalston’s most vocal Trump supporter, took to the Twittersphere this morning and, in an apparent bid to out-Trump Trump, took on the entire female sex in an impressive display of solidarity with his leader, guru and alleged one-time lover.

Among his Twitter targets were not just Hilary Clinton but national treasures Helen Mirren (‘huge’), Mary Berry (‘a corpulent obscenity’), Darcey Bussell (‘a blubber mountain on legs’) and Her Majesty the Queen (‘a lard-ass of such grotesque proportions as to be an offence to the eye and the nose’).

Audrey Hepburn – officially less attractive than Donald Trump. And a bit of a slag, probably

He also accused Dame Maggie Smith of featuring in a series of rectally challenging pornographic activities with both Bill Clinton and Jimmy Savile, and that videos of these encounters are being openly advertised for sale on the White House website. Katy Perry was holding the camera and shouting encouragement, apparently. So was Elvis.

We asked Mr Oregon to justify his bizarre claims, but after he had finished firing his six-shooters into the air and shouting ‘Yee-Haw!’, the best we could get out of him was: ‘Wibble. Hatstand,’ and something that might have been ‘Biscuit barrel, lizard-people’, or similar.

Breaking News: In the light of his recent Twitter activities, Mr Oregon is being widely tipped to take over as Mr Trump’s director of communications, being an obvious upgrade on the last guy.


Burger Chain ‘Set Fire to Own Employees’ According to Twitter

A well-known Dalston burger chain has provoked a furious response on social media after allegedly luring members of staff to a ‘family fun day with cake and balloons and everything’ and then having them beaten up by loan sharks.

The chief executive of Percy Bysshe Shelley Burgers, which operates up to one branch in the area, claims he has been the victim of a ‘Twitter-beasting’ after another, larger and frankly, better, burger chain had earlier ‘sold out it’s employees to the feds’.

‘Burger bashing suddenly became a thing on the internet,’ Mr Fernando Woppah told the Mercury, ‘I’m just an innocent victim. The last thing I need is to have my staff beaten up or deported. There’s only three of us and one of those is my gran who does weekends.’

‘We did organise a family fun day for employees, but that was to say thank you for sorting out those badgers that were living under the stove.’

‘And there was a loan shark-related beating, but that’s always happening to Daft Tony, my sous chef. He’s got a thing for collecting those little crystal animals. He cheerfully accepts regular hospitalisation if it means he’s able to feed his habit.’

crystal animals
‘Well worth a ruptured spleen’ – unrepentant crystal animals yesterday


Several prominent celebrities were, predictably, among those jumping on a social media bandwagon of abuse before knowing what the hell they were talking about. A well-known actor and voluble critic of absolutely everything, tweeted: ‘Will never eat @ Shelley Burger again. Poisonous Nazi filth!’

‘It’s not on,’ said Mr Woppah, ‘we’ve heard the ‘poisonous filth’ stuff before. We hear it daily, actually. But the ‘nazi’ bit is off the mark. I’m a Liberal Democrat for heaven’s sake!’

‘Also we counted 137 stand-up comedians each of whom tweeted to accuse us of causing global warming and plotting to bring down Jeremy Corbyn! All because Daft Tony wants to complete his Wind in the Willows collection.’

In a statement this morning, the Home Office confirmed that it has no interest in deporting Mr Woppah or any of his employees, although they might send health and safety round to check on the badger situation.

The stand-up comedians were said to be ‘unrepentant’ and ‘standing up for the NHS’, whatever that has to do with anything.