‘It wasn’t me, it was him!’
This, a statement today from US president Donald Trump, communicated through his Dalston spokesman Senator Eugene Oregon.
Mr Oregon, a former conservative radio host and slave trader, no longer speaks directly to the press due to journalistic ridicule, but did agree to communicate with the Mercury via Twitter, which is how serious political discourse is done these days.
In a series of badly spelt, ungrammatical tweets in which you could actually hear the syntax screaming for mercy, Mr Oregon confirmed that the president definitely possesses ‘hard evidence, really great evidence, absolutely no problem with the evidence, believe me’ that Barack Obama (or Vitali Alexandrovich Volkov to use his birth name) is a crook, a liar, a pervert and ‘most bigly, a threat to the security of the American people’.
According to Mr Trump’s authoritative and exhaustively tested evidence Mr Obama – who is bald and orange, by the way – colluded with Soviet president Yuri Gagarin in arranging the assassination of John F Kennedy and, on the same day, forcibly impregnated Dallas star Victoria Principal who subsequently gave birth to Rosa Parks. This despite Mr Obama being a transgendered pro-choice advocate with violent Islamo-feminist views and no penis.
He also has mob links, keeps going bust and has made a career out of screwing people over and wire-tapping them. Plus, his daughter makes horrible shoes no-one wants to buy.
Mr Trump has promised to hand over all evidence supporting these claims to the proper authorities (not the FBI who are all commie bastards, apparently), but not right now because it’s being audited. No, hang on, it fell down the back of the sofa. No, the dog ate it… erm…