Unions To Perform Mercy Killing Of Labour Party By Drowning It In Cash

The Labour party’s fanatical quest to hurl itself into the black void of electoral oblivion was given a huge boost today by leaders of the Unite union.

‘Yeah,’ said a spokesman for union general secretary Len McCluskey, ‘obviously we’re 100% behind Jeremy Corbyn’s public-spirited attempt to cast his party into the inky dark of perpetual irrelevance and want to help in any way we can.

‘So we took a good hard look at the polls to identify the elements of the Labour party most loathed and mistrusted by the British public. These turn out to be: a) the useless leadership and; b) the Trotskyite nutters of the Momentum group.

‘Naturally, therefore, we have decided to throw our financial weight behind precisely these people in their race toward a bold future of political calamity and principled obscurity.’

lemming
A lemming. NOT a member of the shadow cabinet. Definitely not

Following the union’s anouncement this morning 200 Tory MPs and the editor of The Spectator took out membership of Unite to make absolutely sure Len McCluskey makes good on his funding commitments.

Ukip have offered to bung Momentum a few quid too, if it means they’ll get a move on. Quite a few Labour MPs have chipped in too, just to get the whole miserable business over with.

 

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Labour Party Concedes 2020 General Election ‘To Save Time’

After two days of dire warnings and calamitous think-tank reports, sources within the shadow cabinet have confirmed today that not even Jeremy Corbyn will be voting Labour at the next election.

Following assurances by Unite union chief Len McCluskey that the Labour leader will be put against a wall and shot ‘unless polls improve pronto, Comrade’, the Fabian Society has also bailed-out on Mr Corbyn by claiming that only an electoral pact with the Monster Raving Loony Party, Ukip and the Khmer Rouge will rescue the party from electoral oblivion.

The Labour Party Hold Their Annual Party Conference - Day 4
Diane Abbott – will vote for food

Scores of ethnically diverse social workers in the London borough of Hackney have also been spotted wearing blue rosettes and Theresa May-inspired leather trousers, another sign, according to Westminster pundits, that Labour may actually poll fewer than zero votes in the 2020 general election if Mr Corbyn remains in office.

It is reported that, in a desperate move to shore-up electoral support, Mr Corbyn and French president François Hollande have agreed to vote for each other in forthcoming elections. They reckon one vote each is better than nothing – two if they bribe Diane Abbott with buns.