And They’re Off! Brexit Negotiations To Bring Out The Best In Europe, Despite All The Screaming And Bloodshed And Stuff

Brexit negotiations got off to a troubled start this morning when EU negotiators failed to achieve the agreement of all 27 member states on whether to have croissants or pain au chocolat for breakfast. British negotiators rubbed salt into the wound by having a bacon sandwich and doing Inspector Clouseau impressions.

The contentious issue of whether the UK should pay a multi-billion pound divorce bill on leaving the union was put aside while debate raged over whether pickled herring is even a proper breakfast. French and Italian officials came to blows over who had the most attractive mistress while the Greeks took advantage of the confusion to steal the Germans’ wallets. The Germans responded by demanding the return of Alsace-Lorraine. Again.

Negotiations on the repeal of the common agriculture policy were suspended while David Davis rode around the conference hall on a bike while wearing a beret and a string of onions.

‘There is something reng with your fern…’ A crack team of French negotiators limber up for a go at the Brits.

This lead to a vote among the 27 member states on whether to unilaterally leave Nato, but the motion failed to achieve the necessary numbers because the representative of Latvia had gone to the toilet. They did, however, manage to pass a  retaliatory directive banning the sale and use of brown sauce.

Mr Davis responded by goosestepping around the table singing the Horst Wessel song, which amused the Dutch, causing the immediate re-militarisation of the Rhineland and the annexation of 26 tulip farms. Then the Danes punched the Swedes ‘just because we like doing it’ and the Finns wandered off to get drunk with the Irish, for much the same reason.

Asked to comment on the first day of negotiations an EU spokesman told the Mercury that events had gone ‘as well as we could realistically have hoped’, and that the process ‘demonstrated the close and instinctive bond that binds all the nations of Europe in harmonious union. Except the British, who we all hate now.’



Theresa May’s Legs ‘Holding The Country Together’

In what the world hopes will be the final word on the ‘trousergate’ furore Tory MP Nicky Morgan has pulled out of a planned appearance on Have I Got News for You, presumably because she has nothing to wear.

Noted Primark enthusiast Ms Morgan, who famously knitted her own wedding dress from noodles she found in a skip, had criticised Prime Minister Theresa May for being photographed in a pair of leather trousers that allegedly cost more than the Gulf War.

However, news emerging from the office of foreign secretary Boris Johnson has revealed that the controversial prime ministerial legwear is not, as widely believed, the result of a drunken impulse purchase in a Soho basement.

Rather, Mrs May’s trousers are part of a leather / rubber wipe-clean all-in-one ensemble that is essential to the security of the nation.

‘Yeah,’ said a spokesman for the foreign office, ‘Theresa uses her skin-tight rubber onesie to keep errant ministers in check. Everyone knows that.

Jeremy Hunt is invited to No 10 for a frank discussion on NHS reform

‘For example: the PM has spent hours in her gear this week straddling Boris; constricting his breathing with her expensive and arousingly fascistic thighs until he agreed to shut the hell up about Saudi Arabia.

‘That suit has saved the country millions and probably averted war. I’m not sure the enormous butt plug was necessary, but still, her methods get results.’

David Davis and Liam Fox have also ‘suffered’ under Mrs May’s Gestapo-chic disciplinary regime; during a severe dressing down by the PM on Tuesday Dr Fox had to be resuscitated twice by paramedics but was still begging for her to do it again, according to semi-tumescent witnesses.