London retailers of brown ale and celebratory cheese sandwiches have been given an unexpected profits boost this weekend as the Labour party continues to congratulate itself on losing a third general election in a row.
Among the most voluble celebrants of this towering achievement was dreadful little turd George Osborne who took to the TV studios in order to demonstrate his lifelong commitment to Conservatism by whooping it up at his party’s disastrous showing at the polls. Apparently Mr Osborne still can’t work out why nobody likes him.
‘Prime Minister’ Theresa May, in the meantime is attempting to agree the terms of a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party, whose most eye-catching manifesto pledge was to attack gay pride marches with Napalm.
It is expected that under the coalition agreement families of six or more children will be made mandatory throughout the UK, except among Catholics who will all be deported, ideally to Syria.
The prospect of either Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson becoming prime minister in the next few weeks is so terrifying that even professional half-wit Donald Trump isn’t risking a visit to the country.
A spokesman for the president told the Mercury that Mr Trump ‘has never seen such chaos and rank political ineptitude in his life’, and is staying in Washington ‘until you Brits can at least match the comparative professionalism of my administration. Bigly’.
Hopes that Donald Trump had slumped dead onto his keyboard while tweeting last night have been dashed this morning after it emerged he has, instead, been making up UK election polling figures for the Times.
The word ‘Covfefe’ that appeared at the end of one of the president’s tweets turns out not to have been the result of his tiny fingers convulsing during agonising death throes, but a genuine attempt by Mr Trump to further enrich the English language following the success of ‘bigly’.
Mr Trump had a busy night. It is being widely accepted this morning that a YouGov poll published in the Times predicting a huge Labour surge can only have been the work of Donald Trump, belonging, as it does, to a world of deranged fantasy and wishful thinking.
The poll also predicts that Julian Assange will be elected mayor of Stockholm and a herbaceous border will ascend the throne of the Netherlands. Also, the Pope is really a ring-necked parakeet named Neville. As is Diane Abbott. Wibble.
After inadvertently revealing that her hair is the source of her astonishing mental agility and unerring political instincts, car crash politico Diane Abbott has been urged to reveal the identity of her hairdresser so we can all benefit.
‘Yeah,’ said one Labour spokesman today, ‘we had all just assumed that Diane was simply born with her searing intellectual insight. But when it became apparent that her hair was making all the big decisions we had to act, for the good of the party and the nation.’
It became apparent during yesterday’s Andrew Marr show, that shape of Ms Abbott’s hair determines whether, for example, murderous conscience-free bastards who like to blow up innocent people are a good thing or not.
As an illustration of this extraordinary phenomenon Ms Abbott revealed to the BBC that her 1970s afro was wholly in favour of the IRA, whereas the kind of Darth Vader-effect bouffant she currently wears is implacably opposed to any kind of violent extremism. Which is remarkable. Not to mention convenient. Given that she wants to be home secretary and everything.
Theresa May is reportedly considering an emergency tonsorial procedure that will stop her spinning in pointless self-defeating circles and actually hit the biggest bloody barn door in the history of British general elections.
The course of the general election was turned upside down last night during an epoch-making televised Leaders’ Debate featuring no one with the slightest chance of ever becoming prime minister.
After Jeremy Corbyn opted to spend his evening making jam and Theresa May announced she ‘simply couldn’t be arsed’ to turn up, it was left to five other internationally respected political heavyweights to fill an hour of ITV airtime – presumably because they’ve lost that film of a potter’s wheel they used to use.
Lib Dem leader Tim Farron, the SNP’s Natalie Sturgeon, Plaid Cymru’s Natalie Wood and Green Party co-leader Natalie Lucas took turns making Ukip’s Paul ‘Natalie’ Nuttall look bigoted and stupid. After the debate ended Mr Nuttall visited Tesco where a packet of chocolate digestives also managed to make him look bigoted and stupid. In fact it did a better job than Tim Farron and odds have shortened on a Hob Nob being elected the next Lib Dem supremo.
The debate was deemed such a success in changing the course of British parliamentary democracy that ITV plans to hold an event of equal significance next week, which will feature a panel of retired Crackerjack presenters and a variety of root vegetables, including Paul Nuttall.
Campaigning for the general election has been suspended today so that candidates and political activists can celebrate the national Ed Balls Day holiday at home with friends and loved ones.
‘It’s a magical time of the year,’ the Prime Minister said in a televised address to the nation last night, ‘a time when people put aside their differences and come together in joyful celebration of a numerically illiterate fat bloke who can’t dance, play football or get elected to parliament.’
The annual Ed Balls Day parade will take place in central London this afternoon and will feature, as is traditional, an hilarious line-up of once-prominent politicians who lost their seats under particularly humiliating circumstances. Michael Portillo will be crowned this year’s carnival queen.
In other election news: Senior Tories are expected to spend the day-long hiatus in campaigning strapping Theresa May to a chair and throwing buckets of water over her until she agrees to stop replying to every damn question with the words ‘what we need in this country is strong and stable leadership’, because it’s doing our heads in, frankly.
In a dazzling exhibition of blue-sky thinking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has revealed a cunning plan to decimate his own party at June’s general election in order to win the moral argument and confound the Tories or something.
‘Yeah,’ said a Labour spokesman this morning, ‘we were hoping to keep the leader’s plan secret a bit longer, but after yesterday’s performance it became so obvious we were trying to lose the election intentionally we thought we may as well come clean.’
The first phase of Mr Corbyn’s plan centred on persuading his most capable and electable MPs to quit and then sending the party’s intellectual torch bearer, MP Dawn ‘two brains’ Butler, to make a right tit of herself live on the BBC.
‘It’s been a great day,’ said one Labour insider last night, ‘if you want to lose an election, you really couldn’t have started your campaign any better.
‘Jeremy’s decision not to let anyone in the party know any of our policies was a stroke of genius. None of us had a clue whether we were going to call for another Brexit referendum until tea time!
‘And sending Dawn Butler on to the airwaves to repeat the phrase ‘rigging the system’ 300 times before libelling a respected and law-abiding high street retailer was a masterstroke!’
Theresa May responded to Labour’s novel plan to remain in opposition forever by instructing her MPs and party activists to ‘go home, put your feet up and let Jeremy do the work. See you on June 9 for brunch. I’m paying.’
Later today, in order to absolutely guarantee electoral oblivion, Mr Corbyn plans to unleash his ‘nuclear option’ when Ken Livingstone and Shami Chakrabarti will appear on Andrew Neil’s Daily Politics show to premier their hilarious take on Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler, featuring new lyrics aimed at cementing once and for all the Führer’s impeccable Zionist credentials.
Live Reporting: (please imagine BBC News-type dramatic music while reading. Also some whizzy graphics if you can manage it. Thanks.)
11:09 Prime Minister Theresa May announces snap general election for June 8.
11:10 Theresa May tells the media: ‘I have concluded the only way to guarantee certainty and security for years ahead is to throw the entire country into a blind panic for the next two months and leave the nation utterly rudderless upon a storm-tossed sea of chaos and uncertainty. That’s how you set people’s minds at rest, that is.’
11:11 Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn seeks employment in bicycle repair shop close to his Islington home. So do 150 other Labour MPs.
11:12 Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn fails interview at bicycle repair shop. Is told Gregg’s might be looking for a Saturday girl if he’s interested. Lack of ‘O’ Levels may be a problem.
11:13 National media suddenly realises it’s forgotten to ask Lib Dems what they think about election news. Decide to go to pub first. Might get round to Dems later.