‘We Lost! We Lost! Way-hay, We Lost!’ – Labour And Scottish Conservatives Celebrate Historic Election Result

London retailers of brown ale and celebratory cheese sandwiches have been given an unexpected profits boost this weekend as the Labour party continues to congratulate itself on losing a third general election in a row.

Among the most voluble celebrants of this towering achievement was dreadful little turd George Osborne who took to the TV studios in order to demonstrate his lifelong commitment to Conservatism by whooping it up at his party’s disastrous showing at the polls. Apparently Mr Osborne still can’t work out why nobody likes him.

First-time Labour voters go wild on day three of the official party celebration event as Diane Abbott shows off her twerking skills and Ken Loach does his hilarious Pakistani accent

‘Prime Minister’ Theresa May, in the meantime is attempting to agree the terms of a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party, whose most eye-catching manifesto pledge was to attack gay pride marches with Napalm.

It is expected that under the coalition agreement families of six or more children will be made mandatory throughout the UK, except among Catholics who will all be deported, ideally to Syria.

The prospect of either Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson becoming prime minister in the next few weeks is so terrifying that even professional half-wit Donald Trump isn’t risking a visit to the country.

A spokesman for the president told the Mercury that Mr Trump ‘has never seen such chaos and rank political ineptitude in his life’, and is staying in Washington ‘until you Brits can at least match the comparative professionalism of my administration. Bigly’.

 

Covfefe Is A Thing And Jeremy Corbyn To Be Next Prime Minister: World Has Gone Mad – Official!

Hopes that Donald Trump had slumped dead onto his keyboard while tweeting last night have been dashed this morning after it emerged he has, instead, been making up UK election polling figures for the Times.

The word ‘Covfefe’ that appeared at the end of one of the president’s tweets turns out not to have been the result of his tiny fingers convulsing during agonising death throes, but a genuine attempt by Mr Trump to further enrich the English language following the success of ‘bigly’.

The word according to Donald

Mr Trump had a busy night. It is being widely accepted this morning that a YouGov poll published in the Times predicting a huge Labour surge can only have been the work of Donald Trump, belonging, as it does, to a world of deranged fantasy and wishful thinking.

The poll also predicts that Julian Assange will be elected mayor of Stockholm and a herbaceous border will ascend the throne of the Netherlands. Also, the Pope is really a ring-necked parakeet named Neville. As is Diane Abbott. Wibble.

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In Other General Election News:

Jeremy Corbyn. Jesus wept!

And Theresa May… And don’t get me started on that Tim Farron. Or the Greens.

And as for Ukip…

Oh, God, when will it end?

Worst. Election. Campaign. Ever.

Diane Abbott’s Hairdresser To Run Britain Under Labour

After inadvertently revealing that her hair is the source of her astonishing mental agility and unerring political instincts, car crash politico Diane Abbott has been urged to reveal the identity of her hairdresser so we can all benefit.

‘Yeah,’ said one Labour spokesman today, ‘we had all just assumed that Diane was simply born with her searing intellectual insight. But when it became apparent that her hair was making all the big decisions we had to act, for the good of the party and the nation.’

It became apparent during yesterday’s Andrew Marr show, that shape of Ms Abbott’s hair determines whether, for example, murderous conscience-free bastards who like to blow up innocent people are a good thing or not.

As an illustration of this extraordinary phenomenon Ms Abbott revealed to the BBC that her 1970s afro was wholly in favour of the IRA, whereas the kind of Darth Vader-effect bouffant she currently wears is implacably opposed to any kind of violent extremism. Which is remarkable. Not to mention convenient. Given that she wants to be home secretary and everything.

‘I find your lack of faith in socialism disturbing’ – Diane Abbott’s hair on the Death Star yesterday

Theresa May is reportedly considering an emergency tonsorial procedure that will stop her spinning in pointless self-defeating circles and actually hit the biggest bloody barn door in the history of British general elections.

 

UK Voters – Leaders’ Debate ‘Had Everything. Except Leaders. And Debate’

The course of the general election was turned upside down last night during an epoch-making televised Leaders’ Debate featuring no one with the slightest chance of ever becoming prime minister.

After Jeremy Corbyn opted to spend his evening making jam and Theresa May announced she ‘simply couldn’t be arsed’ to turn up, it was left to five other internationally respected political heavyweights to fill an hour of ITV airtime – presumably because they’ve lost that film of a potter’s wheel they used to use.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron, the SNP’s Natalie Sturgeon, Plaid Cymru’s Natalie Wood and Green Party co-leader Natalie Lucas took turns making Ukip’s Paul ‘Natalie’ Nuttall look bigoted and stupid. After the debate ended Mr Nuttall visited Tesco where a packet of chocolate digestives also managed to make him look bigoted and stupid. In fact it did a better job than Tim Farron and odds have shortened on a Hob Nob being elected the next Lib Dem supremo.

Natalie someone presents last night’s debate. Not shown: Theresa May at home soaking her bunions and Jeremy Corbyn standing next to a brazier on a picket line. Probably

 

The debate was deemed such a success in changing the course of British parliamentary democracy that ITV plans to hold an event of equal significance next week, which will feature a panel of retired Crackerjack presenters and a variety of root vegetables, including Paul Nuttall.

 

‘Do They Know It’s Ed Balls Day At All?’ – Former Shadow Chancellor Brings Peace To The World

Campaigning for the general election has been suspended today so that candidates and political activists can celebrate the national Ed Balls Day holiday at home with friends and loved ones.

‘It’s a magical time of the year,’ the Prime Minister said in a televised address to the nation last night, ‘a time when people put aside their differences and come together in joyful celebration of a numerically illiterate fat bloke who can’t dance, play football or get elected to parliament.’

The annual Ed Balls Day parade will take place in central London this afternoon and will feature, as is traditional, an hilarious line-up of once-prominent politicians who lost their seats under particularly humiliating circumstances. Michael Portillo will be crowned this year’s carnival queen.

Ed Balls – serious political heavyweight and the son of God

In other election news: Senior Tories are expected to spend the day-long hiatus in campaigning strapping Theresa May to a chair and throwing buckets of water over her until she agrees to stop replying to every damn question with the words ‘what we need in this country is strong and stable leadership’, because it’s doing our heads in, frankly.

 

Labour ‘Trying To Lose The Election On Purpose’ – Jeremy Corbyn

In a dazzling exhibition of blue-sky thinking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has revealed a cunning plan to decimate his own party at June’s general election in order to win the moral argument and confound the Tories or something.

‘Yeah,’ said a Labour spokesman this morning, ‘we were hoping to keep the leader’s plan secret a bit longer, but after yesterday’s performance it became so obvious we were trying to lose the election intentionally we thought we may as well come clean.’

The first phase of Mr Corbyn’s plan centred on persuading his most capable and electable MPs to quit and then sending the party’s intellectual torch bearer, MP Dawn ‘two brains’ Butler, to make a right tit of herself live on the BBC.

‘It’s been a great day,’ said one Labour insider last night, ‘if you want to lose an election, you really couldn’t have started your campaign any better.

One Labour MP looks forward to five more years of Jeremy Corbyn yesterday

‘Jeremy’s decision not to let anyone in the party know any of our policies was a stroke of genius. None of us had a clue whether we were going to call for another Brexit referendum until tea time!

‘And sending Dawn Butler on to the airwaves to repeat the phrase ‘rigging the system’ 300 times before libelling a respected and law-abiding high street retailer was a masterstroke!’

Theresa May responded to Labour’s novel plan to remain in opposition forever by instructing her MPs and party activists to ‘go home, put your feet up and let Jeremy do the work. See you on June 9 for brunch. I’m paying.’

Later today, in order to absolutely guarantee electoral oblivion, Mr Corbyn plans to unleash his ‘nuclear option’ when Ken Livingstone and Shami Chakrabarti will appear on Andrew Neil’s Daily Politics show to premier their hilarious take on Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler, featuring new lyrics aimed at cementing once and for all the Führer’s impeccable Zionist credentials.

 

Breaking News: May Calls June Election – Corbyn Prepares For Move To Number 10 – Delia Smith Marries Camel

Live Reporting: (please imagine BBC News-type dramatic music while reading. Also some whizzy graphics if you can manage it. Thanks.)

11:09 Prime Minister Theresa May announces snap general election for June 8.

11:10 Theresa May tells the media: ‘I have concluded the only way to guarantee certainty and security for years ahead is to throw the entire country into a blind panic for the next two months and leave the nation utterly rudderless upon a storm-tossed sea of chaos and uncertainty. That’s how you set people’s minds at rest, that is.’

11:11 Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn seeks employment in bicycle repair shop close to his Islington home. So do 150 other Labour MPs.

11:12 Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn fails interview at bicycle repair shop. Is told Gregg’s might be looking for a Saturday girl if he’s interested. Lack of ‘O’ Levels may be a problem.

11:13 National media suddenly realises it’s forgotten to ask Lib Dems what they think about election news. Decide to go to pub first. Might get round to Dems later.

11:14 Ukip blames the French.

More to follow…

 

EU To Britain: ‘Brexit’s Off. Sorry’

The European Union has rejected the letter signed by Theresa May that was intended to formally begin the UK’s departure from the EU.

The letter is said by EU officials to be in breach of European health and safety directives and that, consequently, the UK will not be allowed to leave the union after all.

‘It’s too sharp and the corners are all pointy,’ said one Brussels bureaucrat this morning, ‘that letter is a potential deathtrap. Donald Tusk got a nasty paper cut from it and almost bled to death. And the paper’s not recycled, which is illegal, probably. So you can’t leave and that’s all there is to it.’

Conservatives have condemned the EU’s rejection of the letter, while Liberal Democrats have welcomed it. Labour don’t know what on Earth to think.

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In other news: After Astronomers at the Australian National University appealed to amateur stargazers for help in finding the solar system’s mysterious ninth planet, the head of the Dalston space agency DASA has told them they’re wasting their time because he found it ages ago.

‘Yeah,’ said Mr Clarkson Testarossa, ‘we definitively established the location of the ninth planet – which we named Dalstonia 7 – during preparations for our most recent deep space expedition which ended so explosively on the roof of Argos.

‘However, during our preparatory studies of the night sky I was on the roof of that massive tower block down Queensbridge Road from where, if you really crane your neck, you can just make out the southern hemisphere and the starry firmament above.

‘Happily I was using our most powerful optical instrument at the time (what my brother bought to watch that bird from Greggs who never closes the curtains) and wallop! There it is! The ninth planet, speeding past like nobody’s business.

Mr Testarossa began construction of a scale model of Dalstonia 7 and its moon Clarksonia 12, but became distracted

‘Big bugger too! I would estimate it to be around 10 times the mass of the Earth, and probably 20 times further from the sun than Neptune, give or take a yard.’

Mr Testarossa is hoping that his discovery of Dalstonia 7 will be rewarded by an honorary PhD or immunity from further prosecutions resulting from DASA’s recent activities and all the associated carnage.

 

Daily Mail Exclusive: Theresa May’s Legs Now Running The Country

Inspired by the Daily Mail’s groundbreaking coverage of negotiations between Prime Minister Theresa May and Scotland’s First Minister Nicola Sturgeon yesterday, the government has decided that the thorny issue of Scottish independence should be decided by a bake-off.

‘Yeah,’ said one Whitehall mandarin too priapic to be named, ‘after the Mail dedicated its front page to perving over pictures of two senior stateswomens’ legs we thought: ‘Phwoar, this is a lot better than referendums and reasoned analysis and that; let’s just get the ladies to scrub up a bit, strap on their aprons and decide the future of the union with a battle of feminine charm and culinary skills.’

Photo: the Daily Mail. Puerile smut: also the Daily Mail

It is proposed that, in addition to a classic Mary Berry Victoria sponge and a showstopper challenge, Mrs May and Mrs Sturgeon will compete in a cleaning-behind-the-fridge contest, will be judged on efficient delivery of pipe and slippers to husbands and will be required to laugh at men’s jokes in a manner appropriate to a golf club prize-giving dinner.

The swimsuit and evening wear rounds will only be contested in the case of a dead heat. A crack team of Ukip local councillors are presently drawing up the detailed rules of the competition.

Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre was invited to head the judging panel but said he’d rather watch the whole thing from behind a bush where his dirty raincoat will be less conspicuous.

 

Jeremy Corbyn – Labour’s Attack Dog (Stop Laughing At The Back)

Jeremy Corbyn’s supporters have praised the Labour leader’s performance at yesterday’s Prime Minister’s Questions, despite his apparent inability to hit a cow’s arse with a banjo, politically speaking.

‘It was a magnificent performance at the dispatch box from Jeremy,’ said one shadow cabinet member from behind a numbing opiate haze, ‘it exemplified the kinder, gentler brand of politics we pledged to introduce when he was elected. He was certainly pretty kind and gentle to Philip Hammond.’

Despite Chancellor of the Exchequer Mr Hammond’s trousers falling down as he performed a humiliating U-turn on a budget promise made only seconds earlier, Mr Corbyn chose not to question the government’s competence but to engage in a more elevated form of debate altogether.

Of his six permitted questions to the Prime Minister, three were about where she was planning to go on holiday this year; one was something to do with jam; another was ‘would you like me to fetch you a cup of tea?’, while the last question was not really a question at all, more a general compliment of the PM’s outfit and her new haircut.

Philip Hammond suffers a hernia trying to keep a straight face during Mr Corbyn’s withering attack

Mr Corbyn is expected to continue with his policy of ‘being frightfully nice to Tories, especially when they don’t deserve it’ by campaigning vigorously for his own sacking as Labour leader while steadfastly refusing to stand down from the role, thus crippling the opposition with many more months of internal division and ruinous byelection results.

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In other news: The Irish gay community’s frustration at the repressive conservatism of life in the Republic spilled over into public yesterday.

A group of men performing a consensual act of love – one that would be acceptable in broad daylight down Old Compton Street – were forced to masquerade as firemen to avoid the baleful influence of the Catholic Church.

‘It’s terrible that we should be forced into the shadows this way,’ said one participant as he removed his baby oil with Swarfega, ‘we’re just a group of friends getting together to remove a guy’s cock ring with an angle grinder; it was his birthday, he’d been looking forward to it for ages.’

‘In truth, none of us really minded pretending to be firemen and doctors while we did it, but in any civilised country we’d be allowed to dress up a slutty nuns and do it in a nightclub toilet, as nature intended.’