News that heavily armed SAS troops are to be disguised as beggars and road sweepers has been greeted with alarm by Dalston’s most determined bigots and litterers.
The initiative is intended to combat Islamist terrorism but intelligence sources will neither confirm or deny that the special forces may also be authorised to pop a cap in the ass of anyone dropping chewing gum on the pavement or telling homeless people to ‘get a job you freeloading pikey’.
‘I spend a good part of my working day dropping crisp packets on the floor and abusing the itinerant jobless,’ said local crack wholesaler and part-time DJ Mr Calvin Calhoun this morning.
‘How am I supposed to enjoy the casual disposal of my lunchtime Cadbury’s Double Decker wrapper if I’m worried about being garroted by a member of Her Majesty’s special forces? It takes all the fun out of things.’
Mr Calhoun has suggested that the elite troops advertise their presence to anyone wishing to – for example – empty an ash tray out of a car window, by ‘doing press-ups’, ‘marching in formation’, ‘swinging across rope bridges while under heavy fire’ or ‘anything else that you hardly ever see road sweepers doing in the Hackney area’.
He also seeks guarantees that SAS soldiers disguised as beggars will ‘stick their guns out of their sleeping bags a bit so I’m not tempted to piss on them after a few jars down the White Horse’.
In other news: Heroic local MP Diane Abbott has revealed that type 2 diabetes was to blame for a string of car crash interviews she gave during the election campaign.
There’s no word yet on whether diabetes is also responsible for her egregious hypocrisy, casual racism or inclination toward shameless self-promotion. If it is, we take back everything we’ve ever said about her.
The Dalston Mercury 