Man Shot For Improper Disposal Of Tango Can As War On Terror Heats Up

News that heavily armed SAS troops are to be disguised as beggars and road sweepers has been greeted with alarm by Dalston’s most determined bigots and litterers.

The initiative is intended to combat Islamist terrorism but intelligence sources will neither confirm or deny that the special forces may also be authorised to pop a cap in the ass of anyone dropping chewing gum on the pavement or telling homeless people to ‘get a job you freeloading pikey’.

‘I spend a good part of my working day dropping crisp packets on the floor and abusing the itinerant jobless,’ said local crack wholesaler and part-time DJ Mr Calvin Calhoun this morning.

‘How am I supposed to enjoy the casual disposal of my lunchtime Cadbury’s Double Decker wrapper if I’m worried about being garroted by a member of Her Majesty’s special forces? It takes all the fun out of things.’

Put. The banana peel. In. The. Bin.

Mr Calhoun has suggested that the elite troops advertise their presence to anyone wishing to – for example – empty an ash tray out of a car window, by ‘doing press-ups’, ‘marching in formation’, ‘swinging across rope bridges while under heavy fire’ or ‘anything else that you hardly ever see road sweepers doing in the Hackney area’.

He also seeks guarantees that SAS soldiers disguised as beggars will ‘stick their guns out of their sleeping bags a bit so I’m not tempted to piss on them after a few jars down the White Horse’.

In other news: Heroic local MP Diane Abbott has revealed that type 2 diabetes was to blame for a string of car crash interviews she gave during the election campaign.

There’s no word yet on whether diabetes is also responsible for her egregious hypocrisy, casual racism or inclination toward shameless self-promotion. If it is, we take back everything we’ve ever said about her.


Islamic State To Send Fruit Basket To Google

As home secretary Amber Rudd prepares to call in Facebook, WhatsApp and other social media sites said to be facilitating the distribution of extremist propaganda, a Dalston newsagent claims to have been summoned to Whitehall as part of the same crackdown.

‘I’m completely with Mark Zuckerberg and Google on this one,’ said Mr Barry Oboe of Oboe’s News & Wine, ‘I’m not a media outlet, I’m just providing a platform that people use to keep in touch with each other.

‘It’s just not reasonable to expect me to police and censor every last postcard I put up in my shop window. If one advertising for ‘penpal for jihadi psychopath’ slips through the net – as may have occurred last week – it’s hardly my fault is it? And I imaging the geezer at WhatsApp feels exactly the same.’

fruit basket
‘Dear Mr Zuckerberg, thanks for everything, love Ahmed and the boys’

In other news: Two prisoners currently on remand at HM Prison Dalston are to sue the home secretary claiming they ‘suffered distress’ and ‘were subjected to life-changing psychological cruelty’ after they were forced to watch England’s World Cup qualifier against Lithuania last night.

‘The remote was broken,’ one of the men told the Mercury, ‘the telly was stuck on ITV. We just couldn’t turn it off. It was horrible, just horrible. I don’t want to think about it – locked in that cell with Gareth Southgate for two hours!’

Eminent french philosopher Jean Paul Sartre is to give evidence on behalf of the men having made his reputation establishing beyond doubt that watching England play against small eastern European nations is, existentially speaking, the working definition of soul-crushing ennui.

Albert Camus, in contrast, thinks they should have played a big man up front and a diamond formation in midfield.


London Terror Attack – Latest

Inside today’s Dalston Mercury:

Page 2 – It was a disappointing introduction to the hereafter for one heroic Islamist woman-murderer today when the 72 virgins he had been promised rejected his advances, saying they would rather ‘spend eternity playing Scrabble than being pawed by that cretinous retard’.

Page 3 – Donald Trump Jr courageously uses the Westminster attack to remind the world that Islamic fundamentalism doesn’t have an exclusive monopoly on cretinous retards.

Page 4 – London carries on as usual, as it always does.


Dalston Police to be Armed – Church Attendance at All-Time High

The news that more armed police will be seen on London’s streets from now on has been greeted as ‘absolutely awesome’ by the Dalston Constabulary.

Following an announcement by Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Bernard Hogan-Howe and Mayor of London Sadiq Khan, Chief Inspector Derek Slipper of Dalston Police told the Mercury: ‘Yeah, me and the boys are totally fired-up about this. It’s a top bit of policy making from old Hogie. Couldn’t be happier.’

‘We’ve had our eye on a number of villains who’ve deserved a taste of hot lead for ages. We’ve got a list of perps as long as your arm just asking to be caught in a withering hail of perfectly legal gunfire, so it’ll be wicked to get down to some real policing at last. Like they do in America.’ Then he made a pretend gun with his fingers and aimed it at a passing Rastafarian.

dalston police
Dalston police report for firearms training yesterday

When we reminded him that the increased armed presence in London was intended as a response to the threat of terrorism, Chief Inspector Slipper said: ‘Oh, yeah, terrorism. Obviously we can make it look like anything you like; terrorism is the fashionable crime du jour, init? So I imagine most of our shootings will go down in the books as terrorism-related, definitely.’

‘I mean, I have to admit there will be times, for example, when we have to instigate a totally-within-the-law gunning-down of a white, Anglican UKIP supporter who’s got on our wick for some reason.’

‘It will present a challenge to dress up that sort of thing as our foiling a murderous Islamic terror plot. But there’s always the collateral damage excuse, yeah? We can just say we was aiming at Abdul who was standing behind him, or something.’

‘Don’t get me wrong; if there are any actual terrorists around we’ll shoot them like dogs in a now-legally-sanctioned sort of way. We’re not fussy, God knows!’

‘It’s going to be like Reservoir-bloody-Dogs round here. Hopefully.’

Then he went off to check whether he would be allowed to take his gun home with him at night, and if hand grenades were going to be allowed. And whether he’d be able to ‘call in air strikes. Y’know, on special occasions.’