Prestigious Dalston University (formerly the East London College of Joined-Up Writing and Potato Prints) has announced plans to accommodate all of the student body’s many, many sexual sub-groups in a vast new toilet complex.
‘It was becoming ridiculous,’ said Chancellor of the University Ms (formerly Mrs, formerly Mr) Euthanasia Lucre, ‘nobody had a bloody clue which toilet they were supposed to be using. It was a hell of a mess. Knee-deep some days.’
‘If the straight men used the gents’ they were afraid of oppressing the transgendered women – or men, I forget – and the straight women were intimidated in the ladies’ by cross-dressers who all seemed to have better legs than them.’
‘The queers objected to sharing with the gays, the trans’ couldn’t get on with the drag queens, and the bisexuals were in a constant state of confusion. The gender-fluids just gave up in the end and pissed in a bush. So we had to act, and act decisively.’
The new Harvey Milk Memorial Mega-Toilet will include separate facilities for straight, gay, lesbian, bi, cross-dress, transgendered (female-to-male), transgendered (male-to-female), queer, gender fluid, eunuch, Thai lady-boy, undecided, totally flummoxed, and the full Graham Norton. There will also be a ‘safe space’ for people who like dressing up as barnyard animals. The university is yet to decide where to put the tampon machine.
‘We think this is a really progressive move,’ said Dr Lucre while drawing-on a moustache, ‘but, of course the cost has been considerable. Especially as we had to demolish the chemistry block to fit in the new, inclusive super-khazi. So, sadly, sciences will no longer be a part of the curriculum, but our popular gender studies course will receive a real shot in the arm.’
Dr Lucre told the Mercury that local residents have been broadly supportive, but when we asked, staff at Our Lady of the Immaculate Cleavage Roman Catholic Primary School across the road said they ‘aren’t having anything to do with all that funny business over there.’
The Mercury did ask campaigner Peter Tatchell for a quote, but apparently he is white and ‘merely gay’, so is no longer qualified to comment on anything.