‘Trust Me, I’m A Pollster’ Voted Most Risible Sentence In The English Language

After a bewildering and incompetently handled election campaign, voters go to the polls today to determine the fate of Britain’s most reviled and mistrusted group of men and women – the political pollsters.

Following a campaign that has seen projected Tory leads fluctuate between 22% and minus 2.8%, this morning’s final polls demonstrate definitively that the polling organisations are just making stuff up as they go along.

An ICM poll in the Guardian puts the Conservatives on a 12 point lead but with a chance of scattered showers in the afternoon. Also unicorns at 13/2.

YouGov in the Times forecast a narrow Tory victory over the Rebel Alliance on the proviso that the Death Star remains viable in Labour-held marginals.

stormtroopers-bgt
The new intake of Conservative MPs celebrate their election to parliament

Survation in the Daily Mail have illegal immigrants and free-loading health tourists as the big winners, with Labour beaten into third place by Desert Orchid.

ComRes in the Independent didn’t know there was an election on so just handed in a recipe for flapjacks, while Ipsos MORI thinks voting is boring and everyone should get a turn at being prime minister. Except Jeremy Corbyn, obviously. They’re not that mad.

Opinium and Qriously polls for the Beano have been discounted until they learn to spell their names properly. Also because they keep mistaking Tim Farron for the leader of a major party.

 

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