After a bewildering and incompetently handled election campaign, voters go to the polls today to determine the fate of Britain’s most reviled and mistrusted group of men and women – the political pollsters.
Following a campaign that has seen projected Tory leads fluctuate between 22% and minus 2.8%, this morning’s final polls demonstrate definitively that the polling organisations are just making stuff up as they go along.
An ICM poll in the Guardian puts the Conservatives on a 12 point lead but with a chance of scattered showers in the afternoon. Also unicorns at 13/2.
YouGov in the Times forecast a narrow Tory victory over the Rebel Alliance on the proviso that the Death Star remains viable in Labour-held marginals.
Survation in the Daily Mail have illegal immigrants and free-loading health tourists as the big winners, with Labour beaten into third place by Desert Orchid.
ComRes in the Independent didn’t know there was an election on so just handed in a recipe for flapjacks, while Ipsos MORI thinks voting is boring and everyone should get a turn at being prime minister. Except Jeremy Corbyn, obviously. They’re not that mad.
Opinium and Qriously polls for the Beano have been discounted until they learn to spell their names properly. Also because they keep mistaking Tim Farron for the leader of a major party.
Hopes that Donald Trump had slumped dead onto his keyboard while tweeting last night have been dashed this morning after it emerged he has, instead, been making up UK election polling figures for the Times.
The word ‘Covfefe’ that appeared at the end of one of the president’s tweets turns out not to have been the result of his tiny fingers convulsing during agonising death throes, but a genuine attempt by Mr Trump to further enrich the English language following the success of ‘bigly’.
Mr Trump had a busy night. It is being widely accepted this morning that a YouGov poll published in the Times predicting a huge Labour surge can only have been the work of Donald Trump, belonging, as it does, to a world of deranged fantasy and wishful thinking.
The poll also predicts that Julian Assange will be elected mayor of Stockholm and a herbaceous border will ascend the throne of the Netherlands. Also, the Pope is really a ring-necked parakeet named Neville. As is Diane Abbott. Wibble.
Mrs Queenie Calhoun, recently restored as chairperson of the Dalston chapter of Independence for the UK (IFtUK), claims the party’s latest poll strongly indicates that Dalston residents will vote to leave the EU ‘despite all the wops and Polaks around the manor these days’.
‘After the failure of the major polling organisations to accurately predict the result of the last general election,’ Mrs Calhoun told the Mercury, ‘we at IFtUK have been conducting our own surveys based on a new methodology what those muppets at YouGov and Ipsos MORI would love to get their thieving hands on.’
Mrs Calhoun and her chief analyst Byron ‘mad dog’ Brady, published the results of their latest poll this morning. ‘Ordinarily, there’s lots of ways to interpret a body of statistics,’ said Mrs Calhoun with a note of triumphalism beginning to swell in her voice, ‘but not in this case. The numbers do not lie. Dalston wants out. End of.’
Asked to be a bit more specific, she drew deeply on her cigar and said: ‘Look, the numbers is complicated, yeah? But what your readers need to know is, according to our independently verified research, 100% of complete knob-heads in the borough wants to stay in, while 100% of diamond geezers and top blokes wants away, yeah? Simple. Knob-heads on one side, diamond geezers and top blokes on the other. Two-to-one, yeah? Empirical evidence that the London borough of Dalston wishes to secede from the European Union, soon as.’
According to Mr Brady, further analysis of the figures reveals that ‘total slags’ are in favour of ever closer political union within Europe, while ‘benders and fruits’ favour root-and-branch reforms to the Common Agricultural Policy. We asked what numpties thought, but he said he didn’t know.