‘Glastonbury The New Nuremberg’ As Shock Troops Of Totalitarianism Get Drunk On Cider While Listening To Katy Perry

The far left takeover of the Glastonbury festival was completed yesterday when a tent full of fun-loving revellers managed to take John McDonnell seriously, even when he claimed the victims of the Grenfell Tower fire had been murdered.

Earlier Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn had addressed a field full of committed socialists, every single one of whom had driven up from London in a 4×4 and paid £250 so they could do that ‘Oh, Je-re-my Co-o-o-o-rbyn’ thing despite the flagrant disregard of copyright law it involves.

Friday night saw rock star Thom Yorke of Radiohead cement his Marxist credentials – not by giving away any of his millions of pounds to poor people, but by being mildly snippy about Theresa May while she was not there to defend herself.

katy perry
Wowing Glastonbury again – Simone de Beauvoir takes to the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night. We think it’s Simone de Beauvoir… someone like that, anyway

Thom is now widely tipped to be the man commissioned to write the new national anthem, once Mr McDonnell’s million-man street mob has rendered general elections unnecessary. The new anthem is expected to be long, slow, mind-bendingly pretentious and nothing like as popular as it was in the 1990s.

Glastonbury Gauleiter Michael Eavis is tipped to join the Labour politburo because his experience in marshalling huge crowds will come in handy when the revolution dawns. Somebody else will be put in charge of the toilets, however, because the ones at Glastonbury are still rank.

 

‘We Lost! We Lost! Way-hay, We Lost!’ – Labour And Scottish Conservatives Celebrate Historic Election Result

London retailers of brown ale and celebratory cheese sandwiches have been given an unexpected profits boost this weekend as the Labour party continues to congratulate itself on losing a third general election in a row.

Among the most voluble celebrants of this towering achievement was dreadful little turd George Osborne who took to the TV studios in order to demonstrate his lifelong commitment to Conservatism by whooping it up at his party’s disastrous showing at the polls. Apparently Mr Osborne still can’t work out why nobody likes him.

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First-time Labour voters go wild on day three of the official party celebration event as Diane Abbott shows off her twerking skills and Ken Loach does his hilarious Pakistani accent

‘Prime Minister’ Theresa May, in the meantime is attempting to agree the terms of a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party, whose most eye-catching manifesto pledge was to attack gay pride marches with Napalm.

It is expected that under the coalition agreement families of six or more children will be made mandatory throughout the UK, except among Catholics who will all be deported, ideally to Syria.

The prospect of either Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson becoming prime minister in the next few weeks is so terrifying that even professional half-wit Donald Trump isn’t risking a visit to the country.

A spokesman for the president told the Mercury that Mr Trump ‘has never seen such chaos and rank political ineptitude in his life’, and is staying in Washington ‘until you Brits can at least match the comparative professionalism of my administration. Bigly’.

 

‘Trust Me, I’m A Pollster’ Voted Most Risible Sentence In The English Language

After a bewildering and incompetently handled election campaign, voters go to the polls today to determine the fate of Britain’s most reviled and mistrusted group of men and women – the political pollsters.

Following a campaign that has seen projected Tory leads fluctuate between 22% and minus 2.8%, this morning’s final polls demonstrate definitively that the polling organisations are just making stuff up as they go along.

An ICM poll in the Guardian puts the Conservatives on a 12 point lead but with a chance of scattered showers in the afternoon. Also unicorns at 13/2.

YouGov in the Times forecast a narrow Tory victory over the Rebel Alliance on the proviso that the Death Star remains viable in Labour-held marginals.

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The new intake of Conservative MPs celebrate their election to parliament

Survation in the Daily Mail have illegal immigrants and free-loading health tourists as the big winners, with Labour beaten into third place by Desert Orchid.

ComRes in the Independent didn’t know there was an election on so just handed in a recipe for flapjacks, while Ipsos MORI thinks voting is boring and everyone should get a turn at being prime minister. Except Jeremy Corbyn, obviously. They’re not that mad.

Opinium and Qriously polls for the Beano have been discounted until they learn to spell their names properly. Also because they keep mistaking Tim Farron for the leader of a major party.

 

Covfefe Is A Thing And Jeremy Corbyn To Be Next Prime Minister: World Has Gone Mad – Official!

Hopes that Donald Trump had slumped dead onto his keyboard while tweeting last night have been dashed this morning after it emerged he has, instead, been making up UK election polling figures for the Times.

The word ‘Covfefe’ that appeared at the end of one of the president’s tweets turns out not to have been the result of his tiny fingers convulsing during agonising death throes, but a genuine attempt by Mr Trump to further enrich the English language following the success of ‘bigly’.

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The word according to Donald

Mr Trump had a busy night. It is being widely accepted this morning that a YouGov poll published in the Times predicting a huge Labour surge can only have been the work of Donald Trump, belonging, as it does, to a world of deranged fantasy and wishful thinking.

The poll also predicts that Julian Assange will be elected mayor of Stockholm and a herbaceous border will ascend the throne of the Netherlands. Also, the Pope is really a ring-necked parakeet named Neville. As is Diane Abbott. Wibble.


In Other General Election News:

Jeremy Corbyn. Jesus wept!

And Theresa May… And don’t get me started on that Tim Farron. Or the Greens.

And as for Ukip…

Oh, God, when will it end?

Worst. Election. Campaign. Ever.

A Kinder, Gentler Politics And The Pope’s Underwear – The News In Brief(s)

UK General Election 2017: After the suspension of campaigning that followed the terrorist outrage in Manchester on Monday, the major political parties are set to resume electioneering today by shamelessly using the attack as an excuse to kick the crap out of each other. In the new spirit of togetherness and compassion, obviously.


Trump’s world tour hailed ‘an unequivocal and totally unexpected success’ by White House: The US president has managed not to fondle Angela Merkel’s lady garden live on TV, administer a gratuitous wedgie to the Pope, call the Saudi king a towel-headed bomb-happy Muslim fanatic, spray obscene graffiti on the wailing wall or blow anything up (although he did assault the prime minister of Montenegro, just to stay in shape).

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‘It’s okay! Pants right where they should be!’

This demonstration of iron self control makes the last week the most successful of Mr Trump’s presidency. In fact, the only successful week of Mr Trump’s presidency (provided the Montenegro PM recovers from his injuries).

 

Pippa Middleton’s Bottom To Heal Sectarian Rift & Deliver Labour To Power

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is expected to offer a seat in his shadow cabinet to Pippa Middleton later today. This comes after press coverage of Ms Middleton’s lavish wedding helpfully obliterated any mention of Mr Corbyn’s alleged enthusiasm for Irish people blowing stuff up.

The Daily Telegraph’s six thousand column inches on the society wedding of the year broke the incendiary news that a woman – wearing a dress – married a posh bloke – in a church, no less – watched by friends and family members.

The couple later drove off together. In. A. Car!

Speeches were reported to have been made, champagne drunk and wedding analysts have speculated that at some point during the event canapés may have been eaten. Several middle-aged male guests will have attempted to dance with tragic consequences, and at least one bridesmaid will have been felt up behind a Portaloo by a member of the band, almost certainly a saxophonist.

Crucially for Labour however, Jerry Adams was not on the guest list and nobody tried to explode anything, unless you count the best man popping inflated condoms ‘for a laugh’.

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Pippa Middleton and some bloke rush off to leaflet Darlington in the cause of international socialism

Mr Corbyn is expected to offer Ms Middleton (or whatever she’s called now) the prestigious dinner party and flower arranging portfolio. Or defence, whatever.

Ms Middleton – who looks like a committed Marxist, albeit with a nicer than average bottom – is almost bound to accept. I mean, who wouldn’t?

 

UK Voters – Leaders’ Debate ‘Had Everything. Except Leaders. And Debate’

The course of the general election was turned upside down last night during an epoch-making televised Leaders’ Debate featuring no one with the slightest chance of ever becoming prime minister.

After Jeremy Corbyn opted to spend his evening making jam and Theresa May announced she ‘simply couldn’t be arsed’ to turn up, it was left to five other internationally respected political heavyweights to fill an hour of ITV airtime – presumably because they’ve lost that film of a potter’s wheel they used to use.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron, the SNP’s Natalie Sturgeon, Plaid Cymru’s Natalie Wood and Green Party co-leader Natalie Lucas took turns making Ukip’s Paul ‘Natalie’ Nuttall look bigoted and stupid. After the debate ended Mr Nuttall visited Tesco where a packet of chocolate digestives also managed to make him look bigoted and stupid. In fact it did a better job than Tim Farron and odds have shortened on a Hob Nob being elected the next Lib Dem supremo.

Leaders' Debate
Natalie someone presents last night’s debate. Not shown: Theresa May at home soaking her bunions and Jeremy Corbyn standing next to a brazier on a picket line. Probably

 

The debate was deemed such a success in changing the course of British parliamentary democracy that ITV plans to hold an event of equal significance next week, which will feature a panel of retired Crackerjack presenters and a variety of root vegetables, including Paul Nuttall.