Pickled Gherkins Of Islamist Extremism Defeated By Beer, Lawnmowers And Their Own Olympian Ignorance

A Canadian man photographed mowing his lawn during a tornado is to be offered the freedom of the city of London for demonstrating near-British levels of pluck in the face of impending annihilation.

The Canadian, Mr Theunis Wessels, joins the man filmed evacuating the area of Friday’s London Bridge terrorist attack carrying his pint (unspilled in the approved British manner) and anyone who ever drank tea or played cricket on a bomb site during the Blitz in being recognised as the manifestation of ‘slightly loony but completely admirable sang-froid in the face of ghastly unspeakableness’.

The tornado pictured not intimidating Mr Wessels left a video saying it was rampaging pointlessly around the Canadian countryside in the name of some half-arsed medieval ideology and also because he was a perennial loser with the IQ of a pickled gherkin who had never been able to get girls to like him. The Metropolitan police says the tornado perfectly fits the profile of the average jihadist. Slightly above average in the IQ department, if anything.

The shock troops of Islamic State this morning

 

Dalston! Can You Help? Again…

In another of our never-popular ‘Can You Help’ series (as regular readers know, a transparent attempt to get away with just posting a photo when we can’t be arsed to write anything), we aim to reunite Simon with his distraught owner.

Simon is an emotionally fragile Jack Russell cross who lost the will to live following the referendum vote to leave the EU.

He may be trying to hitch a lift to the Irish consulate in an attempt to become a citizen of the Republic or, if he’s gone completely Tonto, may be trying to reach Syria with a view to joining Isis (he really did take the whole Brexit thing very hard).

As usual, if you see Simon, try not to run him over and email the Mercury.

Please note: His owner recommends you don’t try to engage Simon in conversation; he’s a real Captain Bring-down, apparently. And for God’s sake don’t mention the Labour party’s standing in the latest polls – that’d send him right over the edge.