Diane Abbott’s Hairdresser To Run Britain Under Labour

After inadvertently revealing that her hair is the source of her astonishing mental agility and unerring political instincts, car crash politico Diane Abbott has been urged to reveal the identity of her hairdresser so we can all benefit.

‘Yeah,’ said one Labour spokesman today, ‘we had all just assumed that Diane was simply born with her searing intellectual insight. But when it became apparent that her hair was making all the big decisions we had to act, for the good of the party and the nation.’

It became apparent during yesterday’s Andrew Marr show, that shape of Ms Abbott’s hair determines whether, for example, murderous conscience-free bastards who like to blow up innocent people are a good thing or not.

As an illustration of this extraordinary phenomenon Ms Abbott revealed to the BBC that her 1970s afro was wholly in favour of the IRA, whereas the kind of Darth Vader-effect bouffant she currently wears is implacably opposed to any kind of violent extremism. Which is remarkable. Not to mention convenient. Given that she wants to be home secretary and everything.

‘I find your lack of faith in socialism disturbing’ – Diane Abbott’s hair on the Death Star yesterday

Theresa May is reportedly considering an emergency tonsorial procedure that will stop her spinning in pointless self-defeating circles and actually hit the biggest bloody barn door in the history of British general elections.

 

Official: Jeremy Corbyn To Remain Labour Leader ‘For All Time’

Following the great leader’s announcement on BuzzFeed this morning that he will remain in his role ‘even if we lose every single MP at the election and John McDonnell craps in the Queen’s hat’, Labour has announced plans to ensure Mr Corbyn will remain at the helm of the party for eternity.

‘We’re going to have him stuffed,’ one senior back bencher told the Mercury this morning, ‘probably before polling day. In fact definitely before polling day.

‘We’ve all chipped in to have him stuffed, embalmed and put in one of those Maoist / Leninist glass boxes so he can inspire us for all time. From beyond the grave, obviously. Not from his allotment or – God help us – from the dispatch box.

Eternal Leader Jeremy Corbyn (about tea time tomorrow)

‘The living, breathing Jeremy hasn’t been working out too well, votes-wise, but we think a Jeremy preserved in formaldehyde might be a much more progressive proposition. I mean, the late Jeremy Corbyn won’t actively lose us millions of votes every time he’s on TV will he? Will he? Oh Christ, I don’t know any more…’

In his BuzzFeed interview Mr Corbyn also stunned listeners by revealing he is a student of the sophisticated economic philosophies of Adam Smith, Karl Marx and David Ricardo. This despite the fact that his A level results suggest he would struggle to follow an episode of Peppa Pig.

 

Labour Party ‘Giving Car-Crashes A Bad Name’

The British Stock Car Union (BSCU) has announced it is to sue the Labour party for bringing car-crashes into disrepute.

‘It’s outrageous what’s happening,’ said BSCU spokesman Jeff ‘Sparky’ Plugg this morning, ‘for over 50 years we have been providing wholesome family entertainment by crashing cars into one another.

‘Through our efforts people all over the country have come to associate the sickening crunch of metal, the cries of the dying and the distant wail of sirens with a good day out.’

Since the start of the general election campaign, however, the term ‘horrifying car-crash, many dead’ has become loaded with negative connotations according to Mr Plugg.

‘Bloody Diane Abbott!’ he said. ‘It’s mainly down to her that the word ‘interview’ is now invariably prefixed with the phrase ‘car-crash’. She’s taken something that was good and pure and turned it into a byword for political ineptitude.

Diane Abbott this morning

‘And if it’s not her promising to provide a million new police officers at the cost of 12 pence it’s Jeremy-bloody-Corbyn pledging to spend billions on new nuclear weapons but maintaining his pacifist position by sending a letter to the Russians promising never, ever to use them.

‘And every time Emily Thornberry opens her trap the public hears the screech of brakes and the awful rending of tortured steel. But not in a good way. We want our brand back!’

Mr Plugg also has issues with Keir Starmer’s hair, but that seemed a bit beside the point to us.

Labour ‘Trying To Lose The Election On Purpose’ – Jeremy Corbyn

In a dazzling exhibition of blue-sky thinking Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has revealed a cunning plan to decimate his own party at June’s general election in order to win the moral argument and confound the Tories or something.

‘Yeah,’ said a Labour spokesman this morning, ‘we were hoping to keep the leader’s plan secret a bit longer, but after yesterday’s performance it became so obvious we were trying to lose the election intentionally we thought we may as well come clean.’

The first phase of Mr Corbyn’s plan centred on persuading his most capable and electable MPs to quit and then sending the party’s intellectual torch bearer, MP Dawn ‘two brains’ Butler, to make a right tit of herself live on the BBC.

‘It’s been a great day,’ said one Labour insider last night, ‘if you want to lose an election, you really couldn’t have started your campaign any better.

One Labour MP looks forward to five more years of Jeremy Corbyn yesterday

‘Jeremy’s decision not to let anyone in the party know any of our policies was a stroke of genius. None of us had a clue whether we were going to call for another Brexit referendum until tea time!

‘And sending Dawn Butler on to the airwaves to repeat the phrase ‘rigging the system’ 300 times before libelling a respected and law-abiding high street retailer was a masterstroke!’

Theresa May responded to Labour’s novel plan to remain in opposition forever by instructing her MPs and party activists to ‘go home, put your feet up and let Jeremy do the work. See you on June 9 for brunch. I’m paying.’

Later today, in order to absolutely guarantee electoral oblivion, Mr Corbyn plans to unleash his ‘nuclear option’ when Ken Livingstone and Shami Chakrabarti will appear on Andrew Neil’s Daily Politics show to premier their hilarious take on Mel Brooks’ Springtime for Hitler, featuring new lyrics aimed at cementing once and for all the Führer’s impeccable Zionist credentials.

 

Labour MPs To Spend Next Six Weeks Writing Poetry And Contemplating Pictures Of Mount Fuji

Cries of Banzai! rang around Westminster last night and sales of ‘rising sun’ headbands reached record levels in the gift shops of Whitehall as Labour MPs prepare for an honourable, if futile, death by kamikaze on June 8.

‘Well, we’ve given up any hope of getting rid of Jeremy,’ said one back bencher as he enjoyed his ceremonial final cup of sake, ‘so I’m going to watch Tora! Tora! Tora! a couple of times, strap on the sacred senninbari belt of a thousand stitches given to me by my mother and crash my metaphorical Zero fighter onto any Tory aircraft carrier that happens to hove into view.

‘Won’t make a jot of difference to the election result of course but, heigh ho, such is life under the rule of His Serene Highness the Cherry Blossom Emperor. Or ‘Jeremy’, as we call him. To his face, at least.’

Jeremy Corbyn awaits victory from his Chrysanthemum Throne yesterday

Members of the more radically feminist branches of the parliamentary Labour party are planning to eschew such laddish forms of self-immolation, preferring to pointlessly drown themselves like Virginia Woolf or, possibly, put their heads in a gas oven as an hommage to Sylvia Plath.

We pointed out to some MPs that they might have avoided sacrificing themselves in vain had they not proposed Mr Corbyn as a candidate for the leadership in the first place, but that just made matters worse. One of them committed seppuku right there in the tea room. With a butter knife. It took ages.

 

‘Ken Livingstone To Be Next Chief Rabbi’ – Shami Chakrabarti

After an internal Labour party disciplinary panel courageously decided that former London mayor Ken Livingstone was not to be expelled from the party – because his virulent anti-Semitism is not virulent enough, apparently – we at the Mercury thought it would be fun to guess which other vile bigots the Labour party might decide not to kick out.

We couldn’t think of any Hitler apologists quite as shameless as Ken Livingstone, of course, because there aren’t any. But we thought this bunch might just hold on to their party membership cards, despite everything:

We guessed Pol Pot would be given the benefit of the doubt by a party disciplinary committee because – although the killing fields of Cambodia were undoubtedly an error of judgement – his policy of forcing people to labour on collective farms until they died of exhaustion and disease did get a lot of people out into the fresh air. So he wasn’t all bad. Just like Ken.

It seems likely that a Labour party committee (or, indeed, Shami Chakrabarti) might choose to overlook the more sanguinous habits of Jack the Ripper because, although he did display an unnacceptible tendency toward misogyny now and again, his antics did throw a light on the appalling social depravation and poor housing conditions of the East End of London. For which he deserves our thanks. Much as Ken does.

The Labour party disciplinary committee convenes to pass judgement on Mr Livingstone yesterday

And, while it is true that Joseph Stalin may have inadvertantly murdered and starved to death uncounted millions of his own people, any clear-sighted Labour party committee would surely overlook this given Mr Stalin’s sterling job-creation efforts in the gulag-building industry.

So, quite reasonably, it seems that in the eyes of the Labour party, Ken’s tireless efforts in the field of newt-conservancy trump his oft-repeated claim that Hitler actually meant the Jews no harm and wanted to help them all go and live peacefully in Israel. And who could argue with that? Certainly no-one here at the Dalston Mercury.

 

Unions To Perform Mercy Killing Of Labour Party By Drowning It In Cash

The Labour party’s fanatical quest to hurl itself into the black void of electoral oblivion was given a huge boost today by leaders of the Unite union.

‘Yeah,’ said a spokesman for union general secretary Len McCluskey, ‘obviously we’re 100% behind Jeremy Corbyn’s public-spirited attempt to cast his party into the inky dark of perpetual irrelevance and want to help in any way we can.

‘So we took a good hard look at the polls to identify the elements of the Labour party most loathed and mistrusted by the British public. These turn out to be: a) the useless leadership and; b) the Trotskyite nutters of the Momentum group.

‘Naturally, therefore, we have decided to throw our financial weight behind precisely these people in their race toward a bold future of political calamity and principled obscurity.’

A lemming. NOT a member of the shadow cabinet. Definitely not

Following the union’s anouncement this morning 200 Tory MPs and the editor of The Spectator took out membership of Unite to make absolutely sure Len McCluskey makes good on his funding commitments.

Ukip have offered to bung Momentum a few quid too, if it means they’ll get a move on. Quite a few Labour MPs have chipped in too, just to get the whole miserable business over with.

 

‘Jeremy Corbyn Still Has A Pulse’ – Labour’s Dilemma

News that former Black Sabbath and Rainbow frontman Ronnie James Dio is to tour next year despite having died in 2010 has inspired hope of electoral success among members of the Parliamentary Labour Party.

A sophisticated, high-tech hologram of Dio will perform a greatest hits set to adoring fans generating millions of dollars in ticket and merchandising sales.

In contrast, the real, corporeal Jeremy Corbyn will be performing a hit-free set to the same bunch of students and former Militant members that routinely follows him around. Millions of dollars will not be generated although they hope to get rid of a few ‘Coal Not Dole’ t-shirts that have been kicking around for ages.

Labour MPs, although lacking the funds to produce an actual singing, dancing, proselytising socialist hologram, have posited the idea of heaving the decomposing corpse of Aneurin Bevan around on a national tour, confident in the knowledge that an embalmed Bevan is ten times the vote winner Mr Corbyn will ever be.

Aneurin Bevan makes the case for increased NHS spending yesterday

If Mr Bevan’s heirs are insufficiently committed to the socialist cause to release his festering remains, Denis Healey’s funereal urn may head Labour’s push for power instead. Failing that, a stick of celery will do.

Mr Corbyn was scheduled to debate the future of the Labour movement with the desiccated cadaver of Barbara Castle at a PLP meeting last night, but he wimped out. According to backbenchers present Mrs Castle’s mortal dust ‘would have shat on him’.

 

‘Paul Nuttall Is The New MP For Stoke Central’ – Paul Nuttall

Ukip leader Paul Nuttall claimed a famous victory over Labour, the Tories and the Imperial Japanese navy in the Stoke Central byelection early this morning.

Despite a late challenge from Ghengis Khan’s Asiatic hoard and the fact that he was performing the world’s first brain transplant during most of polling day, Mr Nuttall saw off his rivals to gain a majority of 160 million votes and become the first member of the Beatles to enter parliament.

His Grace, The Very Reverend Sir Paul Nuttall, PhD, new manager of Leicester City Football Club

As the result was announced, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and incumbent of the Walter Mitty Chair of Political Science at Oxbridge University paused to embrace his wife, Cate Blanchett, before giving a moving acceptance speech.

‘I’m not going anywhere,’ he said. Before going somewhere. (Not parliament, obviously. Probably Mars. Maybe Lidl. We’ll ask him when he gets back.)

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In other byelection news: Labour loses a seat in Cumbria despite the Conservatives being in power and the local hospital being bulldozed. Jeremy Corbyn still has a job. Claudio Ranieri gets fired.

The world has gone mad: discuss.

 

Saucy Minx Tom Watson Bends Over To Receive A Good, Hard Pay Day

Labour’s deputy leader, Tom Watson, has received half a million pounds in donations from Max Mosley* in less than a year, according to official records.

A vigil was held in Westminster Abbey last night as the entire nation prayed that the money was only a political donation and not, in any way, payment for services that involved Mr Watson dressing up in quasi-military rubber-wear and inflicting erotic bodily harm to Mr Mosely’s gingerly proffered buttocks as they quivered naked in the flickering candlelight of a Stygian Mayfair dungeon.

Not – we repeat NOT – Tom Watson. And definitely not Max Mosley. Or anyone who knows him

We asked a Labour spokesman for comment but he just said ‘My eyes! My beautiful eyes!’ and continued retching into his bucket.

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*Max Mosley is now in charge of the nation’s press, so we are writing this from prison to save time.