Pickled Gherkins Of Islamist Extremism Defeated By Beer, Lawnmowers And Their Own Olympian Ignorance

A Canadian man photographed mowing his lawn during a tornado is to be offered the freedom of the city of London for demonstrating near-British levels of pluck in the face of impending annihilation.

The Canadian, Mr Theunis Wessels, joins the man filmed evacuating the area of Friday’s London Bridge terrorist attack carrying his pint (unspilled in the approved British manner) and anyone who ever drank tea or played cricket on a bomb site during the Blitz in being recognised as the manifestation of ‘slightly loony but completely admirable sang-froid in the face of ghastly unspeakableness’.

The tornado pictured not intimidating Mr Wessels left a video saying it was rampaging pointlessly around the Canadian countryside in the name of some half-arsed medieval ideology and also because he was a perennial loser with the IQ of a pickled gherkin who had never been able to get girls to like him. The Metropolitan police says the tornado perfectly fits the profile of the average jihadist. Slightly above average in the IQ department, if anything.

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The shock troops of Islamic State this morning

 

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Trump, Feminism, Islamic Extremism, Homosexuality and England Football Team – ‘Biscuits To Blame’

The recent trend among British consumers to reject traditional biscuits in favour of inedible American and ‘healthy’ alternatives is to blame for all the ills in the world according to new research.

In a yet-to-be published report Dr Keith Garibaldi, Professor of Food Anthropology at prestigious Dalston University, has linked the increased popularity of Oreos directly to the rise of Donald Trump.

‘As everyone knows, a temporary decline in sales of the Rich Tea biscuit was a direct precursor of the Suez Crisis in 1956,’ said Dr Garibaldi today, ‘and it was the dearth of Ginger Nuts in the late 1960s – due to the great Indonesian ginger blight of that period – that lead to the rise of such abominations as feminism and homosexuality. So the Trump / Oreo Causality, as we call it,  is manifestly proven in our view.’

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Feminism and homosexuality can both be cured by Ginger Nuts, according to research

We tried to ask Dr Garibaldi why he was wearing a tinfoil hat, but he ignored us, continuing: ‘The England football team lived on an almost exclusive diet of beer, Benson & Hedges untipped and, most importantly, Custard Creams until 1967.

‘The Beer and cigarettes remain an important part of their diet, obviously, but a puritanical nutritional regime has removed the biscuit element from their daily intake. Result: Iceland. And routine humiliation ever since.’

As we edged toward the door Dr Garibaldi, now brandishing a family pack of Hob Nobs in a lascivious manner, invited us to guess which kind of baked goods were most popular among members of Islamic State.

We guessed Jaffa Cakes but this enraged the professor to such a degree that security were called and the interview was terminated. But apparently it’s Wagon Wheels.