‘Learning Facts Is Killing Our Children’ – University Head

Students at the prestigious Dalston University (formerly the East London College of Remedial Learning and Basket Weaving) are demanding revisions to courses deemed ‘too true-to-life’ for today’s student body.

After theology students at Glasgow University were given permission to leave lectures if they became too upset during descriptions of the crucifixion of Christ, the Dalston NUS is demanding trigger warnings be applied to absolutely bloody everything.

‘Yeah,’ said Dr Gaia Symposia, head of the University’s Department of Virtue-Signalling, ‘we’ve had to demand the curtailment of all kinds of practices that threaten the mental health and intellectual flacidity of our students.

The works of Enid Blyton: ‘Mein Kampf with ginger beer’

‘Do you realise, for example, that until this week medical students were cutting up real dead bodies to see how they worked? This meant female undergraduates were routinely and gratuitously exposed to naked male genitals, which is as good as rape.

‘Also, male student doctors were invited to lay their filthy, abusing hands on the naked bodies of female cadavers. Which is also as good as rape. Probably worse.

‘So we and the student union have put a stop to that, and now the trainee doctors just play Operation instead. Occasionally Buckaroo. Mouse Trap on Fridays.’

All books involving descriptions of sex, violence, racism, homophobia, colonialism, gender-bias, exotic foods and team sports have been removed from the Dalston University library.

As a result, the English literature course is now based entirely around the works of Enid Blyton, who has also been banned for her phallocentric, colonial, fascistic world view, because it’s always the girls that make the sandwiches.

And the dog is not transgender enough.

(Although Moonface is clearly gay.)



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