‘Glastonbury The New Nuremberg’ As Shock Troops Of Totalitarianism Get Drunk On Cider While Listening To Katy Perry

The far left takeover of the Glastonbury festival was completed yesterday when a tent full of fun-loving revellers managed to take John McDonnell seriously, even when he claimed the victims of the Grenfell Tower fire had been murdered.

Earlier Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn had addressed a field full of committed socialists, every single one of whom had driven up from London in a 4×4 and paid £250 so they could do that ‘Oh, Je-re-my Co-o-o-o-rbyn’ thing despite the flagrant disregard of copyright law it involves.

Friday night saw rock star Thom Yorke of Radiohead cement his Marxist credentials – not by giving away any of his millions of pounds to poor people, but by being mildly snippy about Theresa May while she was not there to defend herself.

Wowing Glastonbury again – Simone de Beauvoir takes to the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night. We think it’s Simone de Beauvoir… someone like that, anyway

Thom is now widely tipped to be the man commissioned to write the new national anthem, once Mr McDonnell’s million-man street mob has rendered general elections unnecessary. The new anthem is expected to be long, slow, mind-bendingly pretentious and nothing like as popular as it was in the 1990s.

Glastonbury Gauleiter Michael Eavis is tipped to join the Labour politburo because his experience in marshalling huge crowds will come in handy when the revolution dawns. Somebody else will be put in charge of the toilets, however, because the ones at Glastonbury are still rank.

 

Gratuitous Nudity And Inoffensive Country Rock Knock General Election Off Front Pages!

The News In Brief:

Rock legends The Eagles are to sue the Hotel California.

In other music news: Genesis are to begin legal proceedings against any lambs they happen to find lying down on Broadway. Other barnyard animals discovered in a prone position anywhere within the central Manhattan area will be given one final warning before being issued with a writ.

Anybody found going in through an out door is likely to be dragged through the courts by Led Zeppelin, and the Pink Floyd’s lawyers have contacted representatives of the moon to discuss a potential copyright infringement the group claims is being committed nightly by 50% of the planet’s surface.

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In other sexier but slightly sacrilegous news: Playboy model Jaylene Cook has outraged local Maoris by posing nude at the peak of New Zealand’s Mount Taranaki, a site believed by indigenous people to be sacred.

Three thousand British mountains, peaks, crags, hillocks, motorway verges and a variety of other geographical features have offered themselves to Ms Cook as alternative photographic locations, purely in the interests of art and freedom of expression.

An artistic local stands in for Ms Cook as Scafell Pike makes a pitch for her attention

 

Bananarama Reunite To Sort Out Labour’s Nuclear Weapons Policy

Tone-deaf ’80s supergroup Bananarama are to reform after nearly 30 years, presumably in response to Jeremy Corbyn’s appearance on the Andrew Marr show yesterday.

When asked what, as prime minister, he would write in the ‘letters of last resort’ which are opened by captains of Britain’s nuclear strike submarines in the event that the government and the entire country has been vaporised by the Russians, Mr Corbyn said that he would instruct the navy to hang around a bit and then ‘follow orders when given’.

He might also direct them to ‘have a nice cup of tea while they’re waiting’ and ‘sing Kumbaya‘.

Bombing the crap out of Moscow did not appear to form any part of his plans for the defence of Britain.

News this morning that Bananarama are to reunite immediately started speculation in the media that the girl trio are being brought out of retirement to add steel to Labour’s defence policy, mainly because it can’t possibly be because people want to hear them sing. For God’s sake.

Flock of Seagulls – currently heading Labour’s economic policy review

Jason Donovan is expected to be named shadow minister without portfolio later today. One or both of Milli Vanilli are to become party chairman.

In future public appearances Jeremy Corbyn will be required to mime to a pre-recorded backing track prepared by Rick Astley. Or possible Nick Heyward. Or Kajagoogoo. Whatever, it can’t possibly be worse than what he comes out with at the moment, according to Labour sources.

 

Brace Yourselves: Barry. Manilow. IS. GAY! Yes! THAT Barry Manilow!

Fans of Barry Manilow were shocked yesterday when the singing legend came out as gay, revealing he has been in a relationship with a man since 1978.

‘Oh my God! Barry Manilow was in the closet?’ shrieked one Dalston fan too shocked to remember his name, ‘Really? I had no idea!

‘Let me get this straight: he was pretending not to be gay all that time? What, with the tight white trousers and the feather boas and everything? This was Barry not being gay? Wow. Four bars of Copacabana told me everything I needed to know, darling.’

Never! I simply will not believe it!

According to experts, the only thing more screamingly camp than Barry Manilow is the Wham! video for Club Tropicana.

‘Next you’ll be telling me George Michael spent years in the closet too,’ said a spokesman for Mr Manilow this morning, ‘What? You’re kidding me! No way!’

Ken Livingstone welcomed Mr Manilow’s induction into a minority group today, assuring the singer that Adolf Hitler was absolutely pro-gay and only wanted to help homosexuals leave Germany in the 1930s because the weather is nicer in Israel, or something.

 

Donald Trump: Urination. (You Fill In The Rest)

Edinburgh, Scotland: TRUMP GOLF COURSE URINATION CASE STARTS as everyone on Earth wonders why the hell he didn’t just pay the poor woman off, if only to avoid headlines like this one. Given his ‘propensities’ and everything.

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In Other News:

New York, across the road from purple mountain majesties and just above the fruited plain: A vice president of Marvel Comics has blamed ‘diversity’ for falling sales of the company’s products.

‘It was a good idea in principle to introduce more diversity to our characters,’ the executive told the Mercury this morning, ‘but we might have gone too far in our attempts to make these new heroes more relatable’.

Marvel’s own 2015 market research survey shocked writers and artists at the comic book giant when it indicated that only 0.000000000000017% of the American population look awesome in Lycra, can grate cheese on their abdominal muscles or have tits like dead heat in a Zeppelin race yet can still kick the crap out of heavily armed space aliens while wearing six-inch heels.

Also, according to research, hardly anyone fires lasers out of their eyes and spends eternity roaming the galaxy on a silver surfboard.

Marvel’s response to this shock news was to replace Spider-Man with a mixed-race, dyslexic lesbian paraplegic who combats crime by phoning the police whenever she hears a noise on her landing.

Iron Man became a door-to-door encyclopedia salesman with personal hygiene and mental health issues who combats crime by selling encyclopedias door-to-door.

Wolverine – now a transgender Chihuahua called Maisie who fights crime by writing snippy letters to newspapers about littering

The Hulk is now an undercooked chicken nugget who would combat crime by giving Dr Doom a bit of an acid stomach if Dr Doom was ever in the market for an undercooked chicken nugget. But he probably isn’t. At least not now that Dr Doom is a hispanic vegan Liberal Democrat who has vowed to destroy the world by not sorting his recycling properly.

Marvel is exploring the possibility of returning to core characters that don’t look like us and can do cool stuff ‘because people seem to like that kind of thing, wierdly’.

 

Emma Watson’s Breasts Come Between Feminist Factions – Men Beg To Watch

A violent schism has erupted within prestigious Dalston University’s Department of Women’s Studies over whether Harry Potter star Emma Watson is a feminist icon on a par with Emmeline Pankhurst or a just a bit of a slag like her off of Celebrity Big Brother.

Ms Watson ‘ethically’ (or ‘wantonly’, depending on who you’re listening to) revealed her breasts in a ‘tasteful’ (‘shamefully lascivious’) photo shoot for ‘Vanity Fair’ (‘Razzle’) magazine this month.

‘There is no doubt at all that Emma’s breasts have put back the cause of women’s rights to the late 13th Century,’ said Dr Keithly Liverbird, head of the university’s popular  Phallocentricity in Contemporary Poetry and Football Song course, ‘or possibly to the age of pre-Socratic Athens. Thank Christ you couldn’t actually see her nipples, or the world would’ve ended! Although that would have been because of men, obviously. Not breasts.’

Harry Potter star gets ’em out. To make an important feminist point. Not to promote a film or anything…

Her colleague, Professor Clytemnestra Brassière-en-Feu, however, disagrees. She told the Mercury: ‘In revealing her breasts to the world Emma has sounded a defiant call-to-arms that will be taken up by every woman straining under the oppressive yolk of suffocating patriarchy.

‘I only wish she’d been given the opportunity to dispense with her clothing altogether (clothes being merely another means through which men seek to assert control over women’s bodies) and was able to spread her lady garden of liberation all over the pages of that vile organ in a glorious, gynecological battle cry of liberation! But obviously the men wouldn’t let her get her muff out, would they? Oppressive, cowardly bastards!’

We asked a passing male professor at the University how he viewed the controversial photo shoot. After confirming he was a committed feminist (‘I love birds, me’ he told us), we asked him to give his judgement on the incendiary pictures: ‘Yeah, quite fit,’ he said, and walked off.

Members of the Dalston University Rugby Club, concerned about the breakdown in intra-feminist relations, have offered to provide a forum in which the opposing factions can settle their differences. They have promised to supply an inflateable paddling pool, the mud (or jelly or baby oil as preferred), a selection of bikinis and three cases of Malibu if they’re allowed to referee the ‘debate’, as they’re calling it.

 

‘Jeremy Corbyn Still Has A Pulse’ – Labour’s Dilemma

News that former Black Sabbath and Rainbow frontman Ronnie James Dio is to tour next year despite having died in 2010 has inspired hope of electoral success among members of the Parliamentary Labour Party.

A sophisticated, high-tech hologram of Dio will perform a greatest hits set to adoring fans generating millions of dollars in ticket and merchandising sales.

In contrast, the real, corporeal Jeremy Corbyn will be performing a hit-free set to the same bunch of students and former Militant members that routinely follows him around. Millions of dollars will not be generated although they hope to get rid of a few ‘Coal Not Dole’ t-shirts that have been kicking around for ages.

Labour MPs, although lacking the funds to produce an actual singing, dancing, proselytising socialist hologram, have posited the idea of heaving the decomposing corpse of Aneurin Bevan around on a national tour, confident in the knowledge that an embalmed Bevan is ten times the vote winner Mr Corbyn will ever be.

Aneurin Bevan makes the case for increased NHS spending yesterday

If Mr Bevan’s heirs are insufficiently committed to the socialist cause to release his festering remains, Denis Healey’s funereal urn may head Labour’s push for power instead. Failing that, a stick of celery will do.

Mr Corbyn was scheduled to debate the future of the Labour movement with the desiccated cadaver of Barbara Castle at a PLP meeting last night, but he wimped out. According to backbenchers present Mrs Castle’s mortal dust ‘would have shat on him’.

 

Parents Call For All Books To Be Banned Rather Than Suffer One More World Book Day

A Dalston primary school has called in extra security ahead of Thursday’s World Book Day, after previous events led to violence and multiple fatalities.

‘We’re legally obliged to celebrate World Book Day,’ said one staff member at Our Lady of the Immaculate Cleavage Roman Catholic Primary School, ‘despite the fact that not one child has ever picked up a book as a result of it unless they were inclined to do so anyway.

‘But aside from the futility it’s the damn costume thing we dread the most. Two mothers are on tablets for stress and half the staff are threatening to call in sick unless the school can protect us from competitive parents.’

One desperate primary school teacher takes matters into her own hands

One parent recently released from jail after assaulting a dinner lady during last year’s event explained: ‘Look, it’s perfectly simple. It’s World Book Day, yeah? Book, okay? Not TV show; not superhero film; it’s not World Video Game Day, is it? No, it’s not, it’s World Book Day!

‘So how come my child arrives dressed as a very authentic Raskolnikov from Dostoevky’s Crime & Punishment – he’s got an axe, a Russian accent, a proletarian sense of grievance, the lot! – and a kid in a Batman costume from Primark wins the bloody contest? Eh? Tell me how that’s even possible!

‘And the year before that my two went as both the Brothers Karamazov – both of them! – only to be beaten by Peppa-bloody-Pig! And the year before that our Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were knocked into third place by SpongeBob SquarePants and a bleedin’ Power Ranger! Where’s the justice? What do these primary school teachers read during their 48-weeks of bloody paid holidays, eh? I didn’t get a second class degree in English Literature from Northampton Polytechnic to see my kid’s Anna Karenina humiliated by Scooby-frigging-Doo, did I?! No! No I did not, mate!’

The cost of staging the event is also causing concern among staff members after one child, channelling the spirit of Guy Montag from Farenheit 451, burned all the books in the junior library. Even the school’s most spirited advocates of World Book Day had to admit that was a bit counter-productive.

 

Pandas Slain In JK Rowling Eurovision Spat (It Says Here) – The News In Brief

New York City, New York, City, York New, York City, USA: The United Nations has become involved in the hugely grown-up and productive Twitter war between Piers Morgan and JK Rowling this morning.

Mr Morgan – a handsome and universally admired former newspaper editor – has been urged to send his ambassador and a negotiating team to Ms Rowling’s immense Gothic fortress on a hill outside Edinburgh. UN officials hope negotiations and a period of reflection may allow time for the two combatants to ‘grow the f*ck up a bit’.

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London, England: Officials of the Bank of England have said they are unrepentant about releasing a new five-pound note containing small quantities of animal fat.

Despite protests from vegetarians, vegans and cows, a bank spokesman told the Mercury that ‘the world’s oldest national bank has no intention of caving to a load of hippies and a handful of barnyard animals’, and that, furthermore, the bank is to go ahead with plans to issue ‘new fifty pence coins made out of compressed kebab meat and a twenty-pound note flayed from the living flesh of blue whales. By pandas. Captive pandas’.

Bank of England pandas undergo brutal anti-whale indoctrination yesterday

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Kiev, Ukraine: Organisers of this year’s Eurovision Song Contest quit en masse yesterday when they suddenly realised what they had done.

A total of 21 top-level staff members resigned; 14 made straight for the nearest cliff and jumped off, while the other seven took holy orders in the hope that, through a lifetime of prayer and self-abasement, they may undo some small measure of the great evil they have imposed on mankind.

Music lovers worldwide have signed a petition saying the church thing is ‘not nearly good enough and they should get themselves over that bloody cliff, pronto’.

 

Donald Trump ‘Like The Fat, Orange Zoella Of Politics’

Following the eye-catching resignation of his National Security Advisor, Donald Trump has been praised as a perfect president for the social media generation by political analysts this morning.

‘Yeah,’ said Dr Ipsus Morrie, professor of Political Guesswork at the prestigious Dalston University, ‘it’s been established beyond all doubt that anyone under the age of 35 has the attention span of a boiled egg.

‘So Mr Trump is simply giving younger voters the kind of presidency they can relate to; by which I mean one that’s over in about ten minutes.’

President Trump presents his latest executive order to the world’s press

It is Dr Morrie’s assertion that Mr Trump’s administration is attempting to condense both terms of Richard Nixon’s presidency into a neat, easily marketable three month greatest hits package.

‘We’re not suggesting the president is modelling himself exclusively on Nixon,’ Dr Morrie told the Mercury, ‘Obviously the shameless self-promotion, sucking-up to morally bankrupt foreign powers and paranoid mistrust of the press are pure Nixon.

‘But his inclination to whip out the little general every time an attractive woman enters the room is more JFK or LBJ. And his intent to plunge the nation into civil war is apparently inspired by James Buchanan.’

‘However, President Trump’s true originality lies in his determination to get the whole thing over with pronto. Sackings, resignations, nepotism, legal battles – a whole presidency’s worth of calamity in only 24 days! Genius!

‘Another month and we’ll be through the catastrophic military adventurism, global economic melt-down, assassination attempts, constitutional crisis, illegitimate children, a Vegas fan dancer promoted to Secretary of State, indictment, disgrace, resignation, presidential pardon, best-selling memoir and death at the age of 92. A month, tops. Even Americans should be able to pay attention for that long.’

In keeping with current trends toward shorter political terms that cut out all the boring bits, Dr Morrie predicts the next Prime Minister will be a 12-year-old girl who buys clothes and makeup from Matalan and then talks about it on YouTube.