Mercury Seeks Failed Journalist Or Vengeance-Seeking Political Has-Been As Editor

The Dalston Mercury is proud to announce the appointment of its new editor: former Chancellor of the Exchequer and MP for Tatton, George Osborne.

In a statement today Mr Osborne said: ‘It is a great honour to be asked to take charge of one of the country’s great newspapers, and I vow to do for the Dalston Mercury exactly what I hope to do to Theresa May in the coming months and years.’

Mr Osborne’s first innovation as editor has been to cut the cover price of the Mercury from £1 to eighty pence, although this new price will only be available to first-time buyers of affordable new build houses provided they promise to vote Tory forever. Like all of Mr Osborne’s most generous give-aways this discount will be funded by the taxpayer.

‘The cover price will remain under constant review, however,’ said Mr Osborne, ‘and if the UK leaves the EU it will, of course, have to rise from 80 pence to three million pounds per issue, and hard-working families will be forced to eat their pets before turning on each other.’

The new editor has also vowed to broaden the editorial remit of the newspaper to cover areas outside its traditional sphere of interest. Or ‘Cheshire’ as these areas are collectively known.

george's stance
George Osborne shows off his bold editorial stance yesterday

Readers can, therefore, look forward to reading the hottest news stories from the Tatton area, which may include: ‘Birth of Miracle Foal Thrills Gymkhana’, ‘Old Forge Tea Rooms To Close Early On Wednesday’ and ‘George Osborne Named Editor Of Tatton Clarion. Will Remain Bishop Of Bath And Wells. Conflict Of Interest Denied’.

 

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