‘We Lost! We Lost! Way-hay, We Lost!’ – Labour And Scottish Conservatives Celebrate Historic Election Result

London retailers of brown ale and celebratory cheese sandwiches have been given an unexpected profits boost this weekend as the Labour party continues to congratulate itself on losing a third general election in a row.

Among the most voluble celebrants of this towering achievement was dreadful little turd George Osborne who took to the TV studios in order to demonstrate his lifelong commitment to Conservatism by whooping it up at his party’s disastrous showing at the polls. Apparently Mr Osborne still can’t work out why nobody likes him.

young socialists
First-time Labour voters go wild on day three of the official party celebration event as Diane Abbott shows off her twerking skills and Ken Loach does his hilarious Pakistani accent

‘Prime Minister’ Theresa May, in the meantime is attempting to agree the terms of a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party, whose most eye-catching manifesto pledge was to attack gay pride marches with Napalm.

It is expected that under the coalition agreement families of six or more children will be made mandatory throughout the UK, except among Catholics who will all be deported, ideally to Syria.

The prospect of either Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson becoming prime minister in the next few weeks is so terrifying that even professional half-wit Donald Trump isn’t risking a visit to the country.

A spokesman for the president told the Mercury that Mr Trump ‘has never seen such chaos and rank political ineptitude in his life’, and is staying in Washington ‘until you Brits can at least match the comparative professionalism of my administration. Bigly’.


Mercury Seeks Failed Journalist Or Vengeance-Seeking Political Has-Been As Editor

The Dalston Mercury is proud to announce the appointment of its new editor: former Chancellor of the Exchequer and MP for Tatton, George Osborne.

In a statement today Mr Osborne said: ‘It is a great honour to be asked to take charge of one of the country’s great newspapers, and I vow to do for the Dalston Mercury exactly what I hope to do to Theresa May in the coming months and years.’

Mr Osborne’s first innovation as editor has been to cut the cover price of the Mercury from £1 to eighty pence, although this new price will only be available to first-time buyers of affordable new build houses provided they promise to vote Tory forever. Like all of Mr Osborne’s most generous give-aways this discount will be funded by the taxpayer.

‘The cover price will remain under constant review, however,’ said Mr Osborne, ‘and if the UK leaves the EU it will, of course, have to rise from 80 pence to three million pounds per issue, and hard-working families will be forced to eat their pets before turning on each other.’

The new editor has also vowed to broaden the editorial remit of the newspaper to cover areas outside its traditional sphere of interest. Or ‘Cheshire’ as these areas are collectively known.

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George Osborne shows off his bold editorial stance yesterday

Readers can, therefore, look forward to reading the hottest news stories from the Tatton area, which may include: ‘Birth of Miracle Foal Thrills Gymkhana’, ‘Old Forge Tea Rooms To Close Early On Wednesday’ and ‘George Osborne Named Editor Of Tatton Clarion. Will Remain Bishop Of Bath And Wells. Conflict Of Interest Denied’.


Government Celebrates Worst Budget Ever With Buns And Karaoke

Treasury officials were celebrating securing a rare ‘Fleet Street Full House’ today after every single national newspaper devoted their front pages to slamming yesterday’s budget.

‘Wow, yeah, thanks very much,’ said an emotional spokesman for Chancellor of the Exchequer Philip Hammond this morning, ‘it took a lot of hard work but we finally managed to pull it off: 100 per cent opprobrium from the press! Fabulous achievement.’

The spokesman, who was too giddy with delight to be named, told the Mercury: ‘We came close a few times during the George Osborne years; especially with those budgets he did on a calculator where the numbers three and seven didn’t work and the divide key had fallen off.

‘Then there were the ones where George just made up random numbers and ended up taxing Cornish pasties when what he meant to do was simplify ISAs or something. The press was pretty sniffy then, but we never came close to 100%, across-the-board disapproval until today. George must be livid; he wanted this so badly.’

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Former Chancellor George Osborne attempts to calculate the price of a scotch egg and two cans of Fanta (he got it wrong)

However, the Chancellor has pledged that he and his team will not become complacent after yesterday’s success.

‘No, in the autumn budget it’s going to be tough to top a tax that will literally force white van drivers to either sell or eat their own children to survive,’ said the Treasury spokesman, ‘but we do have emergency plans to introduce mandatory kitten-punching and a new measure that will see poking grandmothers with sticks replace corporation tax. Problem is, the Telegraph will probably quite like that one.’

The British press has not achieved total consensus since David Beckham got himself sent off in the World Cup and everyone agreed he should be shot. The outbreak of World War II saw near unanimity among the papers but the Daily Mail was still willing to give Hitler the benefit of the doubt, as it does to this day.


Farage Backs Trump – Brexit Voters Begin to Question their Judgement

Outgoing UKIP leader Nigel Farage has urged Republicans to ‘get your walking boots on’ and drum up support for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, a move that has given hope to several Dalston initiatives hoping to secure celebrity support.

‘Yeah,’ said Mr Rory ‘Titch’ Calhoun of the Napalm for Toddlers charity, ‘we’d almost given up hope of getting a public figure to support our important work supplying lethal petroleum-based incendiary agents to the under-threes, so Nigel’s endorsement of Trump is a real shot in the arm for us.’

‘Obviously, being an incompetent organisation with deranged aims and a poisonous world-view has always held us back in the past, high-profile endorser-wise. But all bets are off now, thanks to Nige. We’re hoping for a Noel Edmonds at least.’

Tommy Tootles of the Chainsaw-Juggling for Paraplegics summer school has also been encouraged by Mr Farage’s endorsement of Mr Trump.

Barely audible above the screams and ambulance sirens, he told the Mercury: ‘As you’d expect, our organisation has always found its natural constituency among swivel-eyed morons and foil-hatted loons in pyjamas, which is why Felicity Kendal turned down the invitation to join our board of trustees last year.’

Felicity Kendal – no Napalm and hardly any chainsaws

‘But being a cretin of the first order no longer disbars you from the support of established political figures, apparently. We hear George Osborne’s got some time on his hands.’

‘He’s no Farage, obviously, but hey-ho…’

Other local bodies are planning to appeal directly to Mr Farage for support. Among these are the Cub Scout Syrian Exchange Programme, the Dalston Paedophile Glee Club and the Labour Party.

A spokesman for Mr Farage said he’d consider backing any of them except for the Labour Party ‘unless they can match the Republicans’ instinct for mutual co-operation and fraternal love’. We called Labour central office for a quote but couldn’t hear anything over the gunfire.


Councillors Hospitalised in European Crotch Crisis

There are concerns that Dalston Borough Council will be forced to cancel important committee meetings and tree-planting ceremonies due to a lack of fit councillors following a spate of serious groin injuries among elected officials.

‘It’s the EU referendum, I’m afraid,’ council leader Consuela Ahmadinejad told the Mercury from her hospital bed, ‘all the campaigning has taken a fearful toll of our groinal areas.’

Trying not to picture Cllr Ahmadinejad’s groinal area, we begged her to start making sense. ‘Well, it’s the stance, isn’t it,’ she said, ‘the Tory sanctioned Mussolini / General Franco / George Osborne leg-spread power stance. We’re all doing it, and it’s bloody dangerous, let me tell you.’

Last night, Cllr Ahmadinejad was doing the stance while addressing a delegation of visiting Albanian landscape gardeners when: ‘my doo-dah just went. You could hear it go from the other side of the function room. I went down like a Spanish centre forward and haven’t been able to get up since.’

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‘Professional’ – Theresa May shows how it should be done yesterday

In addition to Cllr Ahmadinejad’s damaged doo-dah, eight Tory councillors have suffered sprained whatsits, two have contusions on their unmentionables and one has a badly bruised chuff. Tory leader on the council, Mr Gary Indiana, has so far escaped major injury, describing his own groin as ‘almost mint with slight foxing around the bottom edge and spine.’

‘It is a crisis largely confined to the Conservative and UKIP groups on the council,’ said Cllr Indiana. ‘Instructions have gone out from Labour HQ that socialists on the council are not to even attempt the full George Osborne, but are to affect the pigeon-toed, knock-kneed mincing look favoured by Lenin and Noam Chomsky, and so far it’s paid off.’

George Osborne legs
‘Scaffolding’ – George Osborne pays a terrible price to look marvellous

‘The problem is not so much the stance itself which – let’s face it – looks bloody marvellous if you can pull it off. It’s the lack of training and specialised support underwear we lack. Theresa May, for example is a real pro. She works out for three hours with Beth Tweddle before she even attempts the stance. And after months of doing it, George’s own legs are now 60% scaffolding. The rest is just bondage gear and absorbent wadding, poor love.’

Until councillors are fit to return to their duties, their places on the EU debating platform will be taken by a troop of Chinese acrobats who are pretty ambivalent about the whole Brexit thing, but can do the stance something wicked.