London retailers of brown ale and celebratory cheese sandwiches have been given an unexpected profits boost this weekend as the Labour party continues to congratulate itself on losing a third general election in a row.
Among the most voluble celebrants of this towering achievement was dreadful little turd George Osborne who took to the TV studios in order to demonstrate his lifelong commitment to Conservatism by whooping it up at his party’s disastrous showing at the polls. Apparently Mr Osborne still can’t work out why nobody likes him.
‘Prime Minister’ Theresa May, in the meantime is attempting to agree the terms of a coalition with the Democratic Unionist Party, whose most eye-catching manifesto pledge was to attack gay pride marches with Napalm.
It is expected that under the coalition agreement families of six or more children will be made mandatory throughout the UK, except among Catholics who will all be deported, ideally to Syria.
The prospect of either Jeremy Corbyn or Boris Johnson becoming prime minister in the next few weeks is so terrifying that even professional half-wit Donald Trump isn’t risking a visit to the country.
A spokesman for the president told the Mercury that Mr Trump ‘has never seen such chaos and rank political ineptitude in his life’, and is staying in Washington ‘until you Brits can at least match the comparative professionalism of my administration. Bigly’.
As part of his bold and innovative plan to stop America being the butt of every joke told anywhere in the world Donald Trump has decided to pull out of the Paris climate agreement and bollocks-up the world’s weather. That’ll teach us.
Desperate climatologists have attempted to explain to Mr Trump that no-one was laughing at America until he became president, but they used words containing up to three syllables so he couldn’t understand what they were saying.
Aides tried making pictures out of fuzzy felt explaining climate change to the president but he just whacked them with his G.I Joe and then spilled his juice. The twat.
Comedians and satirists are debating this morning whether it’s worth allowing the planet to fry in order to keep the Trump-related laughs coming; this week’s ‘covfefe‘ episode alone was worth three tsunamis and the desertification of southern Europe, according to sources.
The race is now on to have the president impeached and thrown into jail before we all die of heatstroke. Or laughter.
Hopes that Donald Trump had slumped dead onto his keyboard while tweeting last night have been dashed this morning after it emerged he has, instead, been making up UK election polling figures for the Times.
The word ‘Covfefe’ that appeared at the end of one of the president’s tweets turns out not to have been the result of his tiny fingers convulsing during agonising death throes, but a genuine attempt by Mr Trump to further enrich the English language following the success of ‘bigly’.
Mr Trump had a busy night. It is being widely accepted this morning that a YouGov poll published in the Times predicting a huge Labour surge can only have been the work of Donald Trump, belonging, as it does, to a world of deranged fantasy and wishful thinking.
The poll also predicts that Julian Assange will be elected mayor of Stockholm and a herbaceous border will ascend the throne of the Netherlands. Also, the Pope is really a ring-necked parakeet named Neville. As is Diane Abbott. Wibble.
UK General Election 2017: After the suspension of campaigning that followed the terrorist outrage in Manchester on Monday, the major political parties are set to resume electioneering today by shamelessly using the attack as an excuse to kick the crap out of each other. In the new spirit of togetherness and compassion, obviously.
Trump’s world tour hailed ‘an unequivocal and totally unexpected success’ by White House: The US president has managed not to fondle Angela Merkel’s lady garden live on TV, administer a gratuitous wedgie to the Pope, call the Saudi king a towel-headed bomb-happy Muslim fanatic, spray obscene graffiti on the wailing wall or blow anything up (although he did assault the prime minister of Montenegro, just to stay in shape).
This demonstration of iron self control makes the last week the most successful of Mr Trump’s presidency. In fact, the only successful week of Mr Trump’s presidency (provided the Montenegro PM recovers from his injuries).
After leaking classified information on anticipated Isis attacks to Russia’s foreign minister, Donald Trump has vowed today to continue making the world a safer place by ‘spilling his guts to anyone who will listen’.
The US president is expected to personally escort Vladimir Putin on a guided tour of the nation’s nuclear weapons facilities later today and will be sure to point out where the ‘off’ button is.
Turkey’s president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan is coming for a sleepover and a go at driving an American aircraft carrier around the eastern Mediterranean. Mr Trump might let him shoot at journalists with a F16 if they really get on.
And Kim Jong-un has asked if he can take a look at that suitcase containing the nuclear launch codes, because he’s trying to make one just like it but hasn’t managed to get it quite right yet.
Mr Trump told him: ‘Sure. Bigly. We’ll have cake, it’ll be amazing, you can press all the buttons you want. Photos? Take as many as you like, little guy. Have you seen our cool list of undercover CIA operatives working overseas? No? Come with me – you’ll love it. Bigly.’
In Other ‘You Couldn’t Make It Up If You Were Whacked-Out On Monkey Juice’ News: Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen has reinforced the White House’s reputation for entirely appropriate and un-creepy father / daughter relationships by tweeting a photo of 21-year old Samantha Cohen in her underwear. Apparently the burger shots won’t be ready until next week but will be posted on the White House website and Instagram account as soon as they become available.
Donald Trump, the famously chivalrous and principled US president rode to the aid of distressed damsel, the formerly ‘crooked’ and ‘nasty’ Hillary Clinton, yesterday by firing the director of the FBI James Comey.
‘Anyone who dares besmirch the good name of that fine woman will feel the wrath of the president,’ roared one cringing White House lackey this morning, ‘woe to him who attempts to investigate alleged wrongdoing by the sainted Hillary even if we thought it was a really good idea a couple of months ago. Woe to him!’
Allegations that Mr Comey has really been fired because he discovered Mr Trump’s secret stash of Vladimir Putin glamour shots and candid pee-pee pictures have been strongly denied by the White House. Although the president would really like those back as soon as possible.
In Other News From The Realm Of Infinite Improbability: Erm…
Nope. We’ve got nothing…
Prince Philip undergoes sex change to compete on Strictly as Wanda from Basingstoke? No?
Hang on… erm… New Farrari powered by lentils? Lib Dems farm unicorns on Saturn? Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank?
US President Donald Trump has been applauded today for agreeing to moderate some of his election campaign pledges in a bid to unite his country.
Now that the rapist-proof fence between the US and Mexico is no longer to be built, Mr Trump has bigly scaled-back some of his other previously announced plans.
According to White House sources the president will no longer put a time frame on ‘making America great again’. He is said to accept the possibility of making America ‘mediocre but still better than France’ by the end of his term in office but is aiming for the more ambitious target of making America ‘pretty cool compared to Nicaragua’ by the end of next year.
Also ‘America First’ has been sidelined for a more realistic ‘China First, America Second, but North Korea Definitely Blown Up’.
IN OTHER NEWS: As the UK general election campaign heats up, commentators are still trying to establish exactly how gay you are allowed to be and still vote Liberal Democrat.
After party leader Tim Farron’s apparent ambivalence on the matter, the Mercury contacted Lib Dem central office to clarify his position.
Apparently, listening to Kylie Minogue albums is acceptable so long as you are fully dressed, and holding hands is fine. Kissing is borderline but you can get away with it if it’s dark and no-one is looking.
Consensual intercourse is okay but enjoying it is totally unacceptable and probably identifies you as a Tory cabinet minister. Either way you’re going to hell.
We did asked about fisting and dressing up as nuns in saunas, but they put the phone down.
Concerns have been raised today over US president Donald Trump’s geo-political world view amid fears that he may have fallen under the influence of China’s president Xi Jinping.
‘Donald really, really wanted to be best friends with Vladimir Putin,’ said one White House staffer speaking anonymously today, ‘but obviously that’s all gone kablooey since we blew up Syria and everything.
‘But he’s taken a real shine to President Xi instead. He sits on his knee and listens to ‘uncle’ (as he calls him) Xi’s stories for hours. Problem is, we think he believes them, and that’s starting to cause a few problems.’
President Trump’s recent assertion that ‘Korea actually used to be a part of China’, caused some disquiet among the USA’s traditional allies in the region, being totally untrue and whatnot, but his recent pronouncement that ‘Canada is actually still part of Cuba’ has lead commentators to fear that President Xi’s influence over Mr Trump is growing.
‘Shut up. Australia is part of Szechuan province and always has been. Everyone knows that’, said Mr Trump when challenged on his grasp of the history of the Pacific region, ‘and, I mean, if Japan wasn’t part of China, how come they all speak Chinese? Tell me that, huh? Drops mic. Boom!’
Mr Trump has also taken to eating his chocolate cake with chopsticks and claims the greatest movie of all time is Raise the Red Lantern, replacing his previous favourite Alvin and the Chipmunks II: The Squeakquel.
He also says Melania’s feet are too big and need wrapping up in towels, or something.
Speculation is growing on why foreign journalists visiting North Korea are being instructed to gather in Pyongyang for ‘a big and important event’ today.
Recent form suggests it will be something dreary to do with missiles or nuclear bombs, but observers of the secretive state believe today’s event may, instead, be cake-related.
Following President Trump’s fattening but exhaustively publicised attempt to woo Chinese president Xi Jinping with ‘the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake you’ve ever seen’, Oompa Loompa Korean despot Kim Jong-un may be plotting to entice the Chinese back into his camp with a newly developed totalitarian super cake, now containing 50% less dog.
Plus he might nuke Japan for good measure.
In Other News: Labour is claiming a famous victory today in the battle to prevent the reintroduction of grammar schools to the UK.
‘It’s been a tough fight,’ said one back bencher, ‘but in the end Education Secretary Justine Greening just couldn’t deny the central fact that any school system that produced Jeremy Corbyn is clearly not fit for purpose and may actually be evil.’
Ms Greening, shocked by the revelation that Mr Corbyn is a grammar school graduate, has gone further this morning, pledging to close down all existing grammar schools, bulldoze the buildings and salt the earth on which they once stood.
Some sort of exorcism or cross-faith cleansing ritual may also be performed, just to be on the safe side.
Shopkeepers along the Kingsland Road are boarding-up their storefronts this morning and market stallholders cower beneath big pieces of cardboard following Donald Trump’s spectacular change of mind over US policy on Syria.
‘I don’t know what to think,’ said one panicked pound shop owner, ‘but we’re preparing for the worst all the same.’ He then shot a pigeon believing it to be a cruise missile.
During last year’s presidential election campaign, Mr Trump – in a little publicised paragraph from his speech vowing never to become militarily involved in the Syrian crisis – guaranteed that he would never ‘strafe, bomb, nuke, immolate or in any way totally f*ck-up, bigly or otherwise’ any British high street retailer.
Since dropping several tons of lethal ordinance on the Syrian regime last night, however, President Trump’s policy toward blowing up Dalston shopkeepers has been thrown into doubt.
‘Now he’s got a taste for it, I reckon we’re doomed,’ said an under-manager at Matalan, hiding espadrilles in a blast-resistant cupboard, ‘and we’ve just got our spring stock in, too. I know exactly how the Syrian airforce must be feeling this morning. Gutted, that’s how.’
The US State Department rushed to reassure British shopkeepers this morning saying in a statement: ‘President Trump gives a categorical assurance that he will not perform any further wildly unpredictable hand-brake turns on foreign policy. Unless he feels like it. Because, frankly, he’s going off that whole ‘wall’ thing a bit. And the Putin bromance is cooling off, big time. So watch this space, yeah? KA-BOOM! (Only kidding!)’