Legs Now More Important Than News (Except Great British Bake Off News, Obviously)

Driven to a state of catatonic ennui by the crushing boredom of reporting news, once-respected national newspapers have said ‘to hell with it’ and started looking at shiny objects on the internet instead.

This morning’s news that the UK economy has remained unexpectedly buoyant despite the Brexit vote was largely ignored by the press, as was the impending annihilation of everyone in Aleppo. Instead, newspaper websites were dominated by pictures of shiny legs.

Are they shiny, or are they covered in news?

A spokesman for the Daily Telegraph (or it might have been the New York Times – we forget) said: ‘While the controversial decision to expand Heathrow Airport and the catastrophic earthquakes in central Italy may be of residual interest to the public, we thought that shiny legs were just much more now, really.‘

‘But what about Syria?’ we asked; ‘what about unaccompanied children sleeping in the smouldering ruins of the Calais Jungle refugee encampment?’ The Telegraph spokesman replied: ‘You won’t believe what this ’80s TV star looks like today!’ and a lady from the Guardian took the moral high ground by directing us to some photos of LA’s cheery termite fumigation tents.

In breaking news: Did you have PPI? This simple check will tell you how much your CV is worth in the ten most livable cities in the world! And let you gawp at Brad Pitt’s intimate photos of Angelina Jolie! Yeah!

 

Dalston Man Denies Angelina Jolie Affair Rumours ‘Even Though She’s Gagging For It’

Dalston’s most celebrated full-time fantasist and occasional sex pest has broken his silence over the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, denying he played any part in the split.

Mr Benny Enteritis, proprietor of Dalston’s Kenlucky Fried Chicken Shed addressed rumours in an Instagram post and by ringing us up over and over again until we agreed to listen to him.

‘Many years ago, I met the woman of my life. She is my love, my best friend, the only one that I need,’ he said. ‘Gwyneth Paltrow is woman enough for any man, let me tell you, mate.’

‘I mean, phwoar, eh? Bloody hell. Wouldn’t you?’

Gwyneth Paltrow relaxes at Mr Enteritis’s gaff after they’ve just done it, apparently

According to Mr Enteritis the actress, campaigner and noted beauty Angelina Jolie has ‘tried it on with me a few times, but I always felt she was after an exclusively sexual relationship, whereas me and Gwyneth share a deep spiritual bond. As well as going at it like a couple of jack hammers whenever we get the chance, naturally.’

Mr Enteritis also told us he ‘doesn’t want the grief of all those kids and having to go to the Oscars and that’ although he hopes that he and Angelina will remain ‘good friends. Possibly with a swift bunk-up now and again when Gwyneth’s off doing an Iron Man or something’.

Mr Enteritis’s lawyer begged us not to print any of this because his parole proceedings aren’t going too well as it is.