Labour To Help Fat Kids Lose Weight By Giving Them Free Food

As part of the Labour party’s selfless quest to amuse the nation and secure Tory hegemony for ever, shadow foreign secretary Emily Thornberry has pledged to make poor, fat children thin by giving them free school meals and teaching them to grow carrots.

Nutritionists have leapt to flag the major a flaw in Labour’s position, namely that Ms Thorberry was herself a recipient of free school meals and yet remains a bit of a porker.

We asked whether the absence of a carrot-centric market-gardening element to Ms Thornberry’s education might explain the bingo wings but nutritionists we spoke to said it was more likely down to pies and lager.

Fresh carrots
Carrots: Labour’s solution to the Syrian crisis. Probably. And Brexit.

In Other News: The English people – every one of them – came together this morning to offer thanks to the English Defence League for doing such a bang-up job of defending us, our values and everything we stand for through their traditional method of showing the world that England still has its fair share of knuckle-dragging racist morons.

After nobly encouraging his followers to gang-up on a single woman at a rally in Birmingham on Saturday, EDL leader Ian Crossland further burnished his reputation as the moral leader of the English people with the following passage of soaring Churchillian rhetoric: ‘She’s lucky she got any teeth left’.

This memorable phrase – complete with its eye-catching disregard for grammar and punctuation – is expected to enter the lexicon of inspiring political oratory immediately and is likely to appear on the new £10 note when it is issued later this year.