Outgoing UKIP leader Nigel Farage has urged Republicans to ‘get your walking boots on’ and drum up support for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, a move that has given hope to several Dalston initiatives hoping to secure celebrity support.
‘Yeah,’ said Mr Rory ‘Titch’ Calhoun of the Napalm for Toddlers charity, ‘we’d almost given up hope of getting a public figure to support our important work supplying lethal petroleum-based incendiary agents to the under-threes, so Nigel’s endorsement of Trump is a real shot in the arm for us.’
‘Obviously, being an incompetent organisation with deranged aims and a poisonous world-view has always held us back in the past, high-profile endorser-wise. But all bets are off now, thanks to Nige. We’re hoping for a Noel Edmonds at least.’
Tommy Tootles of the Chainsaw-Juggling for Paraplegics summer school has also been encouraged by Mr Farage’s endorsement of Mr Trump.
Barely audible above the screams and ambulance sirens, he told the Mercury: ‘As you’d expect, our organisation has always found its natural constituency among swivel-eyed morons and foil-hatted loons in pyjamas, which is why Felicity Kendal turned down the invitation to join our board of trustees last year.’
‘But being a cretin of the first order no longer disbars you from the support of established political figures, apparently. We hear George Osborne’s got some time on his hands.’
‘He’s no Farage, obviously, but hey-ho…’
Other local bodies are planning to appeal directly to Mr Farage for support. Among these are the Cub Scout Syrian Exchange Programme, the Dalston Paedophile Glee Club and the Labour Party.
A spokesman for Mr Farage said he’d consider backing any of them except for the Labour Party ‘unless they can match the Republicans’ instinct for mutual co-operation and fraternal love’. We called Labour central office for a quote but couldn’t hear anything over the gunfire.
The Dalston Mercury 