Diane Abbott’s Hairdresser To Run Britain Under Labour

After inadvertently revealing that her hair is the source of her astonishing mental agility and unerring political instincts, car crash politico Diane Abbott has been urged to reveal the identity of her hairdresser so we can all benefit.

‘Yeah,’ said one Labour spokesman today, ‘we had all just assumed that Diane was simply born with her searing intellectual insight. But when it became apparent that her hair was making all the big decisions we had to act, for the good of the party and the nation.’

It became apparent during yesterday’s Andrew Marr show, that shape of Ms Abbott’s hair determines whether, for example, murderous conscience-free bastards who like to blow up innocent people are a good thing or not.

As an illustration of this extraordinary phenomenon Ms Abbott revealed to the BBC that her 1970s afro was wholly in favour of the IRA, whereas the kind of Darth Vader-effect bouffant she currently wears is implacably opposed to any kind of violent extremism. Which is remarkable. Not to mention convenient. Given that she wants to be home secretary and everything.

diane abbott3
‘I find your lack of faith in socialism disturbing’ – Diane Abbott’s hair on the Death Star yesterday

Theresa May is reportedly considering an emergency tonsorial procedure that will stop her spinning in pointless self-defeating circles and actually hit the biggest bloody barn door in the history of British general elections.


Bananarama Reunite To Sort Out Labour’s Nuclear Weapons Policy

Tone-deaf ’80s supergroup Bananarama are to reform after nearly 30 years, presumably in response to Jeremy Corbyn’s appearance on the Andrew Marr show yesterday.

When asked what, as prime minister, he would write in the ‘letters of last resort’ which are opened by captains of Britain’s nuclear strike submarines in the event that the government and the entire country has been vaporised by the Russians, Mr Corbyn said that he would instruct the navy to hang around a bit and then ‘follow orders when given’.

He might also direct them to ‘have a nice cup of tea while they’re waiting’ and ‘sing Kumbaya‘.

Bombing the crap out of Moscow did not appear to form any part of his plans for the defence of Britain.

News this morning that Bananarama are to reunite immediately started speculation in the media that the girl trio are being brought out of retirement to add steel to Labour’s defence policy, mainly because it can’t possibly be because people want to hear them sing. For God’s sake.

Flock of Seagulls – currently heading Labour’s economic policy review

Jason Donovan is expected to be named shadow minister without portfolio later today. One or both of Milli Vanilli are to become party chairman.

In future public appearances Jeremy Corbyn will be required to mime to a pre-recorded backing track prepared by Rick Astley. Or possible Nick Heyward. Or Kajagoogoo. Whatever, it can’t possibly be worse than what he comes out with at the moment, according to Labour sources.


Ho Chi Minh And General Franco Vie For Chairmanship Of BBC

Workers and tourists in London’s W1 area have been warned to beware of falling objects as unprecedented numbers of BBC executives hurl themselves from tall buildings this morning.

Following the controversial interview with France’s far-right leader Marine Le Pen yesterday, sections of the left-wing press have once again claimed the corporation is nothing more than a fascistic fifth column of the kind that Joseph Goebbels could only dream; at the same time the right-wing press continues in its insistence that the BBC is a neo-Trotskyite revolutionary army-in-waiting and we are all utterly doomed.

Cries of ‘We can’t wi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-in!’ followed by loud splatting noises have been echoing around Portland Place all day as leaders of this evil Nazi / Stalinist / propagandist machine decide to end it all before their vile plot to usher-in a Maoist hegemony of global bankers is discovered.

Leading members of the junta / politburo expected to be running the country by tea time tomorrow

Meanwhile Russia Today and Channel 4 News have offered to fill any gaps in the BBC’s news output. So that’s a relief.


London Mayor ‘Becoming Incomprehensible and in Danger of Falling Over’ Claim

Newly elected London Mayor Sadiq Khan is in danger of becoming ‘totally incomprehensible’ and is ‘in very real danger of falling flat on his face within days,’ according to new research.

A team at the Dalston Royal Infirmary and Veterinary College has identified in Mr Khan early signs of a condition that has affected  senior Labour politicians in the past.

‘We call it Blair Syndrome, after the former Prime Minister,’ explained Dr Finbar Flossing, head of the Infirmary’s Department of Involuntary Euthanasia. ‘The causes are still a mystery at this time, but the symptoms are very clear.’

‘It’s all about a contagion of glottal stops,’ continued Dr Flossing. ‘To understand fully, you have to remember that Tony Blair’s natural accent was a bit like Miss Jean Brodie doing an impression of Kenneth Williams. But by the time he had slurred his vowels and abbreviated his consonants in order to sound more ‘down with the kids’ it was hard to hear what he was actually saying. Even so, Sadiq Khan has got it much worse, I’m afraid.’

According to Dr Flossing’s research, Mr Khan’s speech is already 63% glottal and only 37% actual words. But potentially more damaging is the mayor’s newly acquired habit of narrowing his eyes and reclining in a languid manner when asked a difficult question. ‘Andrew Marr had him down to an angle of about 48° a couple of Sundays ago. We reckon a Paxman or a Humphrys could push him to the tipping point,’ said Dr Flossing, shaking his head in a concerned manner, ‘and then, blam! Arse over tit.’

Sadiq Khan reclining
Sadiq Khan reclining yesterday

Blair Syndrome is an incurable degenerative condition, and research predicts that by 2019, Mr Khan will be fully horizontal for long periods and that every time he opens his mouth he will produce a single ‘Ng’ noise, and that will be it.

‘This will make his re-election campaign very challenging,’ said Dr Flossing, ‘but he’ll still have enough to beat Zac Goldsmith, obviously.’

The Mercury contacted City Hall for a coment on the mayor’s glottal problem, but a spokesman said: ‘We can’ ma’ any statemen’ on tha’ a’ the momen’.’


In other City Hall news: Some bloke down the pub told the Mercury that, apparently, Sadiq Khan’s dad used to be a bus driver! But that can’t be true, can it? I mean, he would have mentioned it, surely.