‘Glastonbury The New Nuremberg’ As Shock Troops Of Totalitarianism Get Drunk On Cider While Listening To Katy Perry

The far left takeover of the Glastonbury festival was completed yesterday when a tent full of fun-loving revellers managed to take John McDonnell seriously, even when he claimed the victims of the Grenfell Tower fire had been murdered.

Earlier Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn had addressed a field full of committed socialists, every single one of whom had driven up from London in a 4×4 and paid £250 so they could do that ‘Oh, Je-re-my Co-o-o-o-rbyn’ thing despite the flagrant disregard of copyright law it involves.

Friday night saw rock star Thom Yorke of Radiohead cement his Marxist credentials – not by giving away any of his millions of pounds to poor people, but by being mildly snippy about Theresa May while she was not there to defend herself.

Wowing Glastonbury again – Simone de Beauvoir takes to the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night. We think it’s Simone de Beauvoir… someone like that, anyway

Thom is now widely tipped to be the man commissioned to write the new national anthem, once Mr McDonnell’s million-man street mob has rendered general elections unnecessary. The new anthem is expected to be long, slow, mind-bendingly pretentious and nothing like as popular as it was in the 1990s.

Glastonbury Gauleiter Michael Eavis is tipped to join the Labour politburo because his experience in marshalling huge crowds will come in handy when the revolution dawns. Somebody else will be put in charge of the toilets, however, because the ones at Glastonbury are still rank.

 

Trump Campaign – ‘Every Woman On Earth Is A Fat Syphilitic Whore’

The Dalston representative of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump went on a Twitter rampage early this morning, repeating Mr Trump’s accusations that ex-Miss Universe Alicia Machado had made a sex tape and that Hilary Clinton helped her become a US citizen.

Earlier in the week the famously svelte Mr Trump was pilloried when it was revealed he had labeled Ms Machado ‘Miss Piggy’ and publicly shamed her for putting on weight when he owned the beauty contest.

Mr Eugene Oregon, Dalston’s most vocal Trump supporter, took to the Twittersphere this morning and, in an apparent bid to out-Trump Trump, took on the entire female sex in an impressive display of solidarity with his leader, guru and alleged one-time lover.

Among his Twitter targets were not just Hilary Clinton but national treasures Helen Mirren (‘huge’), Mary Berry (‘a corpulent obscenity’), Darcey Bussell (‘a blubber mountain on legs’) and Her Majesty the Queen (‘a lard-ass of such grotesque proportions as to be an offence to the eye and the nose’).

Audrey Hepburn – officially less attractive than Donald Trump. And a bit of a slag, probably

He also accused Dame Maggie Smith of featuring in a series of rectally challenging pornographic activities with both Bill Clinton and Jimmy Savile, and that videos of these encounters are being openly advertised for sale on the White House website. Katy Perry was holding the camera and shouting encouragement, apparently. So was Elvis.

We asked Mr Oregon to justify his bizarre claims, but after he had finished firing his six-shooters into the air and shouting ‘Yee-Haw!’, the best we could get out of him was: ‘Wibble. Hatstand,’ and something that might have been ‘Biscuit barrel, lizard-people’, or similar.

Breaking News: In the light of his recent Twitter activities, Mr Oregon is being widely tipped to take over as Mr Trump’s director of communications, being an obvious upgrade on the last guy.