‘Glastonbury The New Nuremberg’ As Shock Troops Of Totalitarianism Get Drunk On Cider While Listening To Katy Perry

The far left takeover of the Glastonbury festival was completed yesterday when a tent full of fun-loving revellers managed to take John McDonnell seriously, even when he claimed the victims of the Grenfell Tower fire had been murdered.

Earlier Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn had addressed a field full of committed socialists, every single one of whom had driven up from London in a 4×4 and paid £250 so they could do that ‘Oh, Je-re-my Co-o-o-o-rbyn’ thing despite the flagrant disregard of copyright law it involves.

Friday night saw rock star Thom Yorke of Radiohead cement his Marxist credentials – not by giving away any of his millions of pounds to poor people, but by being mildly snippy about Theresa May while she was not there to defend herself.

katy perry
Wowing Glastonbury again – Simone de Beauvoir takes to the Pyramid Stage on Saturday night. We think it’s Simone de Beauvoir… someone like that, anyway

Thom is now widely tipped to be the man commissioned to write the new national anthem, once Mr McDonnell’s million-man street mob has rendered general elections unnecessary. The new anthem is expected to be long, slow, mind-bendingly pretentious and nothing like as popular as it was in the 1990s.

Glastonbury Gauleiter Michael Eavis is tipped to join the Labour politburo because his experience in marshalling huge crowds will come in handy when the revolution dawns. Somebody else will be put in charge of the toilets, however, because the ones at Glastonbury are still rank.


Official: Jeremy Corbyn To Remain Labour Leader ‘For All Time’

Following the great leader’s announcement on BuzzFeed this morning that he will remain in his role ‘even if we lose every single MP at the election and John McDonnell craps in the Queen’s hat’, Labour has announced plans to ensure Mr Corbyn will remain at the helm of the party for eternity.

‘We’re going to have him stuffed,’ one senior back bencher told the Mercury this morning, ‘probably before polling day. In fact definitely before polling day.

‘We’ve all chipped in to have him stuffed, embalmed and put in one of those Maoist / Leninist glass boxes so he can inspire us for all time. From beyond the grave, obviously. Not from his allotment or – God help us – from the dispatch box.

eternal leader
Eternal Leader Jeremy Corbyn (about tea time tomorrow)

‘The living, breathing Jeremy hasn’t been working out too well, votes-wise, but we think a Jeremy preserved in formaldehyde might be a much more progressive proposition. I mean, the late Jeremy Corbyn won’t actively lose us millions of votes every time he’s on TV will he? Will he? Oh Christ, I don’t know any more…’

In his BuzzFeed interview Mr Corbyn also stunned listeners by revealing he is a student of the sophisticated economic philosophies of Adam Smith, Karl Marx and David Ricardo. This despite the fact that his A level results suggest he would struggle to follow an episode of Peppa Pig.


Socialism Set To Rescue Britain From Prosperity – Latest

Citizens of Venezuela, Cuba and the former Soviet satellite states of Eastern Europe spilled onto the streets of Dalston last night to celebrate the Shadow Chancellor’s thrilling promise to bring proper socialism back to Britain.

‘Thank God!’ said Mariana Jimenez, a recent arrival to Dalston from Caracas, ‘I can do without the sunshine, the support of my family and vibrant street life of my native Venezuela.’

‘But what I really miss is the grinding poverty, the endless queues for basic comestibles and the regular food riots. I like Britain, but it could really do with more malnutrition and street violence, so I can’t wait for Labour to reintroduce socialism. It’ll be like a fiesta in my wallet!’

Venezuelans break into a spontaneous chorus of The Internationale

Poles, Bulgarians and Czechs were also celebrating John McDonnell’s forward-looking and not at all mental speech. They told the Mercury that they couldn’t wait to return to a diet comprised entirely of cabbage and having to wait eight years to get your washing machine fixed.

Romanians in the borough were especially nostalgic about firing squads but were hopeful, given how the Labour party is going these days, that regular summary executions would soon make a return to British public life.


Labour Celebrates Week of Comparative Competence

The Dalston Labour party is hosting a day-long street carnival today to mark having survived ‘nearly an entire week’ without a catastrophic public relations disaster.

Local Labour leader Aneurin Hobsbawm told the Mercury: ‘There’s no denying we’ve been having a pretty rough time since Jeremy took over, what, with our being outed as a rabble of incompetent Europhobic anti-Semites who loath the sight of one another and everything.’

‘But it’s been at least a week since traingate, so we thought it would be nice to have a bit of a party to celebrate. I think we can safely say we’re over the worst now,’ he said, blowing up balloons in an optimistic manner and putting Monster Munch into little bowls.

Mr Hobsbawm was speaking to the Mercury just moments before the party’s leadership rivals Jeremy Corbyn and Owen Smith made the historic decision to bypass the usual conventions of the democratic ballot and sort out their differences through the unusual medium of nude televised jelly wrestling.

Momentum activists prepare for a Labour leadership hustings in Darlington yesterday

Then John McDonnell offered to sell Trident to Hamas, and Diane Abbott told the Today programme that the Archbishop of Canterbury – being unapologetically white – was literally worse than Hitler in every conceivable way.

(We did help Mr Hobsbawm put the Monster Munch back in the packet but the man in the shop said he wouldn’t give him his money back.)