Pippa Middleton’s Bottom To Heal Sectarian Rift & Deliver Labour To Power

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is expected to offer a seat in his shadow cabinet to Pippa Middleton later today. This comes after press coverage of Ms Middleton’s lavish wedding helpfully obliterated any mention of Mr Corbyn’s alleged enthusiasm for Irish people blowing stuff up.

The Daily Telegraph’s six thousand column inches on the society wedding of the year broke the incendiary news that a woman – wearing a dress – married a posh bloke – in a church, no less – watched by friends and family members.

The couple later drove off together. In. A. Car!

Speeches were reported to have been made, champagne drunk and wedding analysts have speculated that at some point during the event canapés may have been eaten. Several middle-aged male guests will have attempted to dance with tragic consequences, and at least one bridesmaid will have been felt up behind a Portaloo by a member of the band, almost certainly a saxophonist.

Crucially for Labour however, Jerry Adams was not on the guest list and nobody tried to explode anything, unless you count the best man popping inflated condoms ‘for a laugh’.

Pippa Middleton and some bloke rush off to leaflet Darlington in the cause of international socialism

Mr Corbyn is expected to offer Ms Middleton (or whatever she’s called now) the prestigious dinner party and flower arranging portfolio. Or defence, whatever.

Ms Middleton – who looks like a committed Marxist, albeit with a nicer than average bottom – is almost bound to accept. I mean, who wouldn’t?

 

UK Voters – Leaders’ Debate ‘Had Everything. Except Leaders. And Debate’

The course of the general election was turned upside down last night during an epoch-making televised Leaders’ Debate featuring no one with the slightest chance of ever becoming prime minister.

After Jeremy Corbyn opted to spend his evening making jam and Theresa May announced she ‘simply couldn’t be arsed’ to turn up, it was left to five other internationally respected political heavyweights to fill an hour of ITV airtime – presumably because they’ve lost that film of a potter’s wheel they used to use.

Lib Dem leader Tim Farron, the SNP’s Natalie Sturgeon, Plaid Cymru’s Natalie Wood and Green Party co-leader Natalie Lucas took turns making Ukip’s Paul ‘Natalie’ Nuttall look bigoted and stupid. After the debate ended Mr Nuttall visited Tesco where a packet of chocolate digestives also managed to make him look bigoted and stupid. In fact it did a better job than Tim Farron and odds have shortened on a Hob Nob being elected the next Lib Dem supremo.

Natalie someone presents last night’s debate. Not shown: Theresa May at home soaking her bunions and Jeremy Corbyn standing next to a brazier on a picket line. Probably

 

The debate was deemed such a success in changing the course of British parliamentary democracy that ITV plans to hold an event of equal significance next week, which will feature a panel of retired Crackerjack presenters and a variety of root vegetables, including Paul Nuttall.

 

Tories Slash Free School Meals – Islington Aflame

News that childless couples and unmarried young people will no longer have to subsidise school lunches for junior members of the aristocracy has outraged middle class voters in Jeremy Corbyn’s own constituency.

‘This is the greatest injustice ever perpetrated on the human race,’ said one Islington mother too incoherent with rage to pronounce her name, ‘how dare these evil Tories take the food from out of the mouths of my little Milo and Antigone?’

‘What this manifestly wicked policy is going to cost me and my architect husband means our children will go without this year: without organic corn-fed roast chicken on a Sunday – we may be reduced to buying ordinary pikey chickens like people who work in the public sector – and maybe even without fast-track lift passes when we Christmas at Gstaad. We might even have to downgrade to Grindelwald for heaven’s sake! After hearing the news I even found myself searching the web for generic supermarket quinoa! Nobody should be brought so low! It’s inhuman!’

Gstaad – yet another victim of savage Tory cuts

We pointed out that, under Conservative proposals, actual poor children would still get free school meals, but that just got her going again:

‘We are poor, you tit!’ she bellowed through the window of her Range Rover, ‘we just don’t fritter our money away on Tennent’s Extra and lottery tickets like some of the lard-arsed Ukip-volting proles around here. I’ve been wearing the same Balenciaga two piece for nearly a year now! No one knows my pain! No one!’

We were going to mention that, in addition to the new school meals policy, poor young people will no longer be required to pay the heating bills of rich old people, but courage deserted us and she just drove off to her Pilates class.

 

Dalston Mercury To Be Privatised Under Labour. Collective Farms Also Under Consideration

In a sweeping and radical five-year plan (or ‘Labour manifesto‘ as it is being referred to in public) Jeremy Corbyn has pledged to bring the Dalston Mercury back into public ownership ‘at the earliest opportunity’.

As with the rest of the party’s manifesto, which was launched yesterday, the cost of re-nationalising the Mercury has been calculated by a crack team of elves and fairies who live in a magical kingdom far, far away. And spend most of the time drunk.

The magic fairies estimate the bill for bringing the Mercury back into public hands as somewhere between ‘nothing at all and £50 billion, give or take, depending on whether we have to buy toner for the photocopier’.

Labour’s most sophisticated financial minds – those belonging to Diane Abbott and a small pot of Marxist geraniums – have checked the elves’ figures and declared them ‘absolutely spot on. Erm… oh, hang on though… is 50 billion more than £7.50? Erm… carry the four, divide by one and… look, stop asking me about numbers you racist bastard.’

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In Other Election News: Twinkle-toed Unite union chief Len McCluskey has admitted publicly that he ‘can’t see Labour winning’ the general election.

Other astonishing revelations made yesterday by Mr McCluskey include: he ‘can’t see a set of patio furniture winning next year’s Grand National’ and ‘Len McCluskey’s chances of appearing on the cover of Sports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition modelling a daring slashed-thigh aquamarine one-piece are slim at best. Though still better than Labour winning the election’.

They’re just keeping it warm for Len. Or possibly Diane

 

Donald Trump Is The Inspector Clouseau Of National Security – Official

After leaking classified information on anticipated Isis attacks to Russia’s foreign minister, Donald Trump has vowed today to continue making the world a safer place by ‘spilling his guts to anyone who will listen’.

The US president is expected to personally escort Vladimir Putin on a guided tour of the nation’s nuclear weapons facilities later today and will be sure to point out where the ‘off’ button is.

A sieve – officially more watertight than the President of the United States

Turkey’s president Recep Tayyip Erdoğan is coming for a sleepover and a go at driving an American aircraft carrier around the eastern Mediterranean. Mr Trump might let him shoot at journalists with a F16 if they really get on.

And Kim Jong-un has asked if he can take a look at that suitcase containing the nuclear launch codes, because he’s trying to make one just like it but hasn’t managed to get it quite right yet.

Mr Trump told him: ‘Sure. Bigly. We’ll have cake, it’ll be amazing, you can press all the buttons you want. Photos? Take as many as you like, little guy. Have you seen our cool list of undercover CIA operatives working overseas? No? Come with me – you’ll love it. Bigly.’

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In Other ‘You Couldn’t Make It Up If You Were Whacked-Out On Monkey Juice’ News: Donald Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen has reinforced the White House’s reputation for entirely appropriate and un-creepy father / daughter relationships by tweeting a photo of 21-year old Samantha Cohen in her underwear. Apparently the burger shots won’t be ready until next week but will be posted on the White House website and Instagram account as soon as they become available.

 

Super-Advanced Sex Dolls ‘Now Even Worse Than Wives’

Concerns have been raised today about the threat to human life posed by advances in artificial intelligence after a Dalston man reported his sex doll to the police for mental cruelty.

‘She was lovely at first,’ the man told the Mercury this morning, ‘I went for the deluxe self-lubricating ‘petite’ model with the standard 46″ triple F cup and the fully programmable mood option.’

The man, who wishes to remain anonymous on the grounds that he is a pitiful loser who can’t get a girlfriend, told us that life with his doll was idyllic at first.

‘For example,’ he said, ‘I remember coming home from the Star Trek convention one evening. I was still dressed as a Klingon but Beyoncé said I looked like a sex god in latex and we had a wonderful evening together.’

‘It was only about a week later when she told me to put the bins out that I started to become concerned.’

The victim believes he had accidentally turned on Beyoncé’s ‘moody’ function using her smart phone app before losing the phone on a bus.

‘It was awful,’ he said, ‘she belittled me at every opportunity: criticised my lack of dynamism in the workplace; made fun of my manhood; questioned my sexual orientation. It was just like being back home with my mother.

‘I could’ve married a lawyer’ – an unrepentant Beyonce this morning

‘I daren’t even go back to the flat now. I’m sleeping in a cupboard at the call centre until her batteries go flat.’

The man’s plight was made even worse on Friday when Beyoncé’s hard drive was infected by the WannaCry ransomware virus. Her legs have been permanently locked down unless he pays £230 in bitcoins to some Ukrainian hackers.

 

Labour Manifesto: ‘Tonight We’re Gonna Party Like It’s 1969’

Following the leak of their election manifesto last night Labour have acted swiftly to reassure voters that they are not about to drag the country back to the 1970s.

‘We’re about to drag the country back to the 1970s,’ said a party spokesman this morning, ‘but in a good way.’

‘We are not going back to the 1970s of three-day weeks, power cuts, mountains of uncollected rubbish festering in the streets and the dead hand of the trade unions directing government policy. Well, maybe that last one, but definitely not the others.

‘We’re going to reintroduce the things people really liked about the ’70s: Noel Edmonds’ Multi-Coloured Swap Shop; Skippy the Bush Kangaroo; brown cars with vinyl roofs; Barbara Windsor’s breasts; footballers with perms breaking each other’s legs on grassless mud baths; the blonde one from ABBA; race riots; pubic hair; Gary Glitter; sophisticated dinner parties serving mushroom vol-au-vents followed by chicken-in-a-basket and black forest gateaux washed down with a bottle of Blue Nun (or, for the gentlemen, Long Life lager and Watney’s Red Barrel).’

Party spokesmen have also claimed Labour’s transport plans will provide ‘a huge shot in the arm for the British pogo stick and Space Hopper industries. Until we nationalise them, of course. Which we will on June 9.’

The 7:43 from Ebbsfleet to London St Pancras under Labour’s new transport proposals

The Scottish Nationalists have attacked Labour’s plans for failing to guarantee the return of the Bay City Rollers, even the horse-faced drummer who became a male nurse when the hits dried up. Also the Krankies. And Billy Bremner.

The Greens have complained that the static electricity generated by all that polyester will melt the ice caps or something.

Trump Fires FBI Chief ‘For Being Mean To Hillary Clinton’. Satire Defeated Once Again

Donald Trump, the famously chivalrous and principled US president rode to the aid of distressed damsel, the formerly ‘crooked’ and ‘nasty’ Hillary Clinton, yesterday by firing the director of the FBI James Comey.

‘Anyone who dares besmirch the good name of that fine woman will feel the wrath of the president,’ roared one cringing White House lackey this morning, ‘woe to him who attempts to investigate alleged wrongdoing by the sainted Hillary even if we thought it was a really good idea a couple of months ago. Woe to him!’

Allegations that Mr Comey has really been fired because he discovered Mr Trump’s secret stash of Vladimir Putin glamour shots and candid pee-pee pictures have been strongly denied by the White House. Although the president would really like those back as soon as possible.

A photo from Mr Trump’s treasured collection. Wait till they get to the bit in the sauna… Wow.

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In Other News From The Realm Of Infinite Improbability: Erm…

Nope. We’ve got nothing…

Prince Philip undergoes sex change to compete on Strictly as Wanda from Basingstoke? No?

Hang on… erm… New Farrari powered by lentils? Lib Dems farm unicorns on Saturn? Youth Hosteling with Chris Eubank?

Nope. Not a thing.

 

Official: Jeremy Corbyn To Remain Labour Leader ‘For All Time’

Following the great leader’s announcement on BuzzFeed this morning that he will remain in his role ‘even if we lose every single MP at the election and John McDonnell craps in the Queen’s hat’, Labour has announced plans to ensure Mr Corbyn will remain at the helm of the party for eternity.

‘We’re going to have him stuffed,’ one senior back bencher told the Mercury this morning, ‘probably before polling day. In fact definitely before polling day.

‘We’ve all chipped in to have him stuffed, embalmed and put in one of those Maoist / Leninist glass boxes so he can inspire us for all time. From beyond the grave, obviously. Not from his allotment or – God help us – from the dispatch box.

Eternal Leader Jeremy Corbyn (about tea time tomorrow)

‘The living, breathing Jeremy hasn’t been working out too well, votes-wise, but we think a Jeremy preserved in formaldehyde might be a much more progressive proposition. I mean, the late Jeremy Corbyn won’t actively lose us millions of votes every time he’s on TV will he? Will he? Oh Christ, I don’t know any more…’

In his BuzzFeed interview Mr Corbyn also stunned listeners by revealing he is a student of the sophisticated economic philosophies of Adam Smith, Karl Marx and David Ricardo. This despite the fact that his A level results suggest he would struggle to follow an episode of Peppa Pig.

 

Presidential Election Blow: France Still Run By The French

The election last night of Emmanuel Macron to the French presidency ushers in a period of bold economic reform and sweeping social change in which – as is traditional in France – absolutely nothing will happen.

M. Macron’s campaign pledges include a 120,000 reduction in public-sector jobs, a cut in public spending by €60bn, and a lowering of the unemployment rate to below 7%. Obviously none of this will take place.

He also vowed to ease labour laws and give new protections to the self-employed. Even M. Macron himself had a hard time keeping a straight face when he came up with that one.

‘Mais non,’ said one respected onion seller / political pundit this morning, ‘naturellement ‘e ‘ad to promise to do things in order to be elected. But now ‘e ‘as eez feet under ze table we French will do what we always do in times of economic crisis: go on strike and demand longer ‘olidays.

‘M. Macron will respond by hiring 3 million new civil servants, offering mandatory paternity leave even to people who don’t ‘ave children and telling everyone to take September off. It doesn’t really matter who we elect; zis is just ‘ow things work en France, n’est-ce pas?’

‘I surrender: a three-day week and you can all retire at 37’

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Late Breaking News: M. Macron is reported to have begun his first day in office by setting fire to a lorry load of sheep on a picket line, making his lover Prime Minister and spending the afternoon eating cheese. The national unemployment rate has leaped to a record 103%. The banlieues are aflame. Nationwide shrugging is reported.